I am not strong enough without you

It is raining again – I am more comfortable in cold and rainy weather because it mirrors my soul.  Sunny, bright weather seems wrong as it emphasizes a world that continues on happily,  other lives and people in love untouched by my pain – happy sunny weather, happy people in my cold world where I don’t fit in anymore. The cold greyness suits me.

How wonderful life was while you were in this world. A world where everything good seems to have gone since you left.  Everything that made me look forward to every day on earth and the future we were planning.  Now I cannot wait to leave this earth where every waking moment means pain and longing for all that was and never will be.

I did not lose just love, I lost everything. I find being left behind in this world a burden almost too heavy to carry. I have my son  whom  I love beyond description and I have family although far away.  But that is a love altogether different.  I was one with you, I am STILL one with you, but my life source was ripped from me and I am no longer whole without you.  I struggle to live, to function as half a person.  They don’t need me as much as I need you.  My son is strong, he is planning his future, he is excited about life and emigrating.  Full of plans. I have no such prospects – just continued loss and longing.

I still hear your voice, your last words to me. I hear the love in your words and feel the gentleness of  your touch. But there is no new love and images coming in,  no new memories created and the memories cannot sustain me.

Each moment, every day  I  walk with this loss.  The unbearable trauma of finding the love of my life in that terrible way.  I have to walk the rest of my days on this earth carrying not only that memory, but having to live on without you every day.  The hurt, trauma and emptiness making for an unbearably heavy burden.    Opening the door that evening with a smile of anticipation, special dinner and heart-shaped chocolates in a packet.  Then my world and the happiness I was living ended violently as I stepped into the kitchen...

This loss of the one I loved with all I had is not a burden I can offload.  I bend under this heavy burden, stumble on with it, live with it – until it takes me too. Until then God is my strength and comfort.

I miss you with my whole heart, a broken heart. I miss our conversations, the things we did together, hugging you, sharing my day with you and watching you work and create beautiful building designs. I miss your love most of all. Some days, this burden is just too heavy my honey...I am not strong enough without your love ...