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What Is Grief?

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Muted darkness has given way to lightened shapes of distant colors. Today, I can see through a tunneled kaleidoscope of prismatic, disarranged but softly spoken whispers of change. Today, I stepped beside the hole. The black hole, the one that ingests you till you bleed blackness, the blackness that tears your soul into mortifying shards of glass. Cocooned. Until the light reaches down, down...


It's been seven months. I have to remind myself to breathe. It's the space between the breath, where time stops and everything is still. You can actually feel the blood pulsating through your veins as your body wakes with silent tremors from the cascading tears silently flowing from your eyes. Seven months. How does my heart still beat after holding my breath for so many months. Surely, if...


Suffocating in grief.


There comes a time when you are faced with the most simplistic and most challenging decisions of your life.


When grief has become so complicated with overtones of how sweet peace would look like in the stillness of the darkest black you ever saw.... defeat rears it's ugly truth blinding you from the light.....death.  



How do I live without you? That's a question that rings in my head 24 hours 7 days per week. I feel like people are tired of my influx of mental instability. Even my counselors. My head and heart are stuck. The stop button is frozen, ceased to a solid singular event. That day. That day robbed me, it blindsided me, from whence there is no return. Nothing. I'm in this place of solid, rock hard...


The shadow of the day casts a likeness that numbs the heart and soul to transparency. Each breath that I breathe resembles an explosion of love that can't escape my prison of life in grief. Each thought that passes through the fog wrapped in armored steel penetrates deep within my soul and echoes I can't feel today. Loosening the voice hollowed in written tongues, it finds it's way to the...


How are the windows darker now. I have lost my love. Our Spring has turned to frozen, cracked, patches of bare ground. Gone is the green grass. No flower grows on this hill anymore, for you have gone. There is a glimmer of a candle that I see. Brighter now, flickering. Shadows of who we were, in photographs and memories.



You have been gone about 6 weeks. Your clothes are in the closet. I sleep under your blankets, I wear your clothes. I am rummaging through boxes of stuff that does not matter, but I can't throw anything away. I am clinging to your things, trying to hold on to pieces of you. Am I insane? Why do I want your old box of wooden dominoes that's missing two? Or endless, random pins, keychains, books...


Dedicated to the memory of my beautiful sister Catherine this holiday season❤️

In my heart is where I'll find you
With love free flowing and timeless
And where every heartbeat renews
Memories of a life so blessed

In my heart is where I'll find you
Your effervescent spirit a Godsend
It lifts and carries me often
'Til the day we are together again

... Comments

I met you on my morning walk. A few minutes earlier and I would never have seen you, a few moments later and someone else would've taken off with you, but I was there...


( This was written 14 days after my sister's murder )

Disquieting Muses at the Grocery Store

If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad—Sylvia Plath



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