Love of others after Child Loss

Child loss is unimaginable unless it becomes your life. In an instant your world comes tumbling down. That is exactly what happened to me on Nov 7, 2014 when my son Brian died in a car accident. My life. My parents lives. My stepdaughter and husband lives. His friends & teachers lives. All changed. After Brian passed away and the service was over my husband was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor in our TV room. A room that used to be filled with Friday family movie nights of the craziest movies my son & stepdaughter would make us watch as they sat next to each other eating mac & cheese, tater tots and pizza rolls. Now it was just him & I asking each other what now. What do we do now? Well, we left, on a plane,

to Cancun for five days. I am sure some thought we were insane but for us I wanted as far away as I could get and being on a beach with the ocean always made me feel closer to God. I needed to get away from my town, my house, my now life. We spent our days sitting, crying, talking to Brian, in a daze. One evening we decided to “try” and have dinner not in our room. That lasted all of twenty minutes when even trying to figure out what to eat seemed too much of a task. We got up and walked on the beach before heading back to our room to order food. As we were walking there was a couple getting married and I just cried. Couldn't stop. In that moment, even though Brian was only 17 I realized that would never be me. I would never see him get married. And then, my thought, oh my god I will never be a grandmother. That reality hit me harder than I thought it would. I had never given it too much thought before. Brian was only 17. But here I was with this now being my truth. Hard pill to swallow. Well, here I am 3 yrs later, to say although you will never have grandchildren of your own it does not mean you can not be in a child’s life that you will impact in more ways than you can ever imagine. You see, for me, I am so blessed to be fun Mrs. Lisa to so many of my friends children. When I walk into a room they run to me. They hate when I leave. They want to do all fun things with me. They share their stories, they want to play with Brian’s toys & ask about him, they ask if I can come to whatever it is that is happening in their lives. They ask me to take them places. Etc. They just love me. Today, I look at my life now as how lucky I was to have this amazing kid that was mine for 17 years to share those years with. And how lucky I am to have these kids to be with now. I am not trying to say its the same if they were our grandkids. Of course they couldn't be BUT I love them and sure do spoil them as much as any “surrogate” Aunt would, and they all know it too. Hahaha.  Once I allowed myself to open my heart and share the love I have for Brian to others great things happen. I still sit and wonder all the things, as we all do as bereaved parents & I let myself grieve what I have lost now & in the future but unlike three years ago, where I thought I would never have the kind of love that could only be received from a grandchild, I allowed myself to be surrounded by so much love from these kids. What can beat that under a bereaved mom’s circumstances. Not much❤️

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I'm Grieving, Now What?