"Dancing around Grief"

I do an awful lot of thinking in my car. While it is thought provoking,it is kind of scary. I get to where I am going, sometimes not knowing how I got there ! 

I have had quite the journey. I haven't done a good job processing my loss,is a good way to put it, I suppose. I sure am no different than any parent who has lost a child..we all love the same. But, for some reason, I just can't seem to allow myself to comprehend what has actually taken place.I know it happened,i understand it happened,and yet, I just can't quite believe it. In the eight years since my Keith has left us,this year has been my most focused on shall I say,moving forward. 

And yet, with that,I still am blocked. In the car,I think to myself,all kinds of things. And there is that occasional moment of clarity, like today,when I actually have to put my hand to my heart ,as the pain is SO real...."My God..THIS really happened" I drove home and said to my husband..."HOW did we get to this place? I just can't understand what went wrong and how it all fell apart. THIS,this we have now,it's all----fake. It's all,just pretend. I feel- nothing. 

I love my group, and yet when I sit there,as I've said ,I am above myself feeling like Hey,why am I-WE here? How in the world did we all get here? 

I believe the struggle we had with our beloved child and his unfortunate choice to use drugs and the unbelievable nightmare we went thru before he lost his life plays a large part in my own struggle to understand our loss. How can you try so hard to save someone and have it end as such? 

As I go thru my days and acutely notice I feel nothing...i keep trying to let myself grieve. I am petrified if i do, i may never stop. There are no clear answers for me. I am my own worst enemy. 

I know I should be a little kinder to myself,but my honesty gets in the way. I simply can't imagine a lifetime without the boy who lit up our world. 

As i get ready for bed this eveing, I remind myself to be thankful for my beautiful daughter and my husband. Most importantly ,the memories that will stay with me for my lifetime.....

When I start my car and pull out of the driveway,they begin....and take me where I want to be.....