Grief Profanity

On my grief journey I ran into well-meaning friends and family that would use what I like to call “grief profanity.” It is the comments and phrases that would send me into a hysterical crying mess or fill me with anger. Some were so bad, my mouth would drop and I would be in complete shock. Almost as if they had just used some of the foulest language I had ever heard. During my grief I was unable to express how it made me feel, much less process what had just been said. Now that I am out of the fog, I have a created a list of things I wish I would have been able to tell them not to say and better ways to phrase questions. I will get the soap and we can wash this grief profanity out of their mouths together.

Do not say “Sorry for your loss.” You might say it out of fear of saying her name. I want you to say “I am sorry for the loss of your mom” in my case or “I am sorry for the loss of Terri.” She was a person, I did not lose my bike or a material thing, she was my mom and she had a name.

Please do not say “I avoided you because I was scared.” Grief is not contagious, I promise you won’t catch it by being around me. If I see you in public and you dart the other way or you avoid answering the phone when I call out of fear that you might say the wrong thing. Avoiding me and saying nothing is so much worse. Give me a hug or simply say “I’m here.”

Please do not ask me “Are you ok?” I know you mean this in the best way possible. However, early on in my grief I do not know if I am ok from one minute to the next. I might be ok today but a weeping, uncontrollable mess tomorrow. It’s a question that I will not really be able to answer. Ask me instead “How do you feel right now?” or “How do you feel today?” I will probably be able to answer one of those questions a little easier.

Please do not say “She’s in a better place.” I recall hearing this one the day my mom passed by text message. I was filled with anger. Eventually, I will come out of this fog of grief and realize that in fact she is in a better place. As for right now in my early grief, the best place she could be is right here with me. Here to see her grandchildren, here to give me a hug, here to tell me she loves me, just here to simply hold my hand.

Please do not say “Her work here was finished.” No. I still needed a mom, her grandchildren needed a Nana, and my teenage brother needed her guidance and protection. I still needed someone to call in the middle of the night as a new mom for her to calm my tears and tell me I am great mother.  Later on I might accept this but right now in my grief I prefer not to hear it.

Please do not say “I will pray for you.” Prayer is such a serious thing. Do not just say that because it’s something you feel like you should say. Instead, stop whatever you are doing and pray with me right then and there. It will mean so much more than just telling me you will.

Do not ask me “What can I do for you?” In my grief I barely know what day or time it is much less if something needs to be done. Do not ask me, just do. Have a meal delivered to my house, stop by just to check in with me or send me a care package in the mail.

In the end, as the griever I needed to remind myself that grief is a messy and confusing thing for everyone involved. Even the kindest, big hearted friends and family will say or do the wrong things if they have not experienced loss or grief. Remember to offer them grace and forgiveness.