Its not the life I would have chosen, but it is the life I have now...

Since crossing this bridge in my life - this terrible, terrible tragic loss I have to realize: my life is different since I crossed the bridge.  It's not the life I have chosen, but it is the life I have now.

Things that once seemed of great importance just aren't important anymore. I don't have to race off everywhere, race the traffic lights.  Little things that used to irritate me now seem so trite and pointless now.  

I can't go backward - the best I can do is to learn to accept that until my appointed time I am stuck here and best I can do is accept my new life as it is now. It won't get much better and the pain will always be with me, but I can try to bring moments of happiness into it - like spending every Sunday with my 22 year old my son.  With him I find myself laughing - able to forget for a while.  Sure, in the middle of thos moments of joy the tears can come suddenly, but I have to accept that too as my new life.  Pain and moments of happiness now co-exist. The one does not cancel out the other.

It won't be easy to accept this new life.  I'm nowhere near any of that yet. I just have to be patient with myself and realize pain will forever be my companion. This pain will never leave me and I have to learn to carry it with me.

My perspective has already changed. My values have changed. I see people and events differently. I've learned to be more open and accepting of people and more aware of my own needs too.

The biggest challenge will be that I can never go back to the way life used to be... with him.  I'm still in denial I admit, but I have a knowledge deep down that no matter how much I cry, pray or long for my old life the way it was - it won't be. There is no going back. I have to adjust somehow until my time comes to be reunited with my love. In the process I find God's comfort, but I also want to use my experience to comfort others. I know that even as I try it will be uncomfortable, painful and very difficult, but it is not impossible.  I breathe, I am still here, therefor I have to try.  For now I just move from day to day. I cant even think about the future - I can only take the next step.

The one thing I can offer is hope. No matter how bad things are we are never alone. God is with us even if we are not aware of his presence.  God knows where my life is headed and I dont have to worry about where it is going.  I know where it will end.  It will end in heaven with my love for eternity and that makes the journey worth it.