A Letter to God

Dear God,

My life is upside down; the order of the world seems out of place and I am trying desperately to right it again. Oh, Lord, You know the pain in my heart at all times, and You know why. My child now spends his birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases and Easters in Your arms.  But now it's approaching another Mother's Day without him, and I need your help here. 

This is terrifying for me, one who struggles to maintain control. How can it be that my beloved child is gone? The child I cared for with such concern in every illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of for a lifetime is not here for me to carry out my job anymore. It hurts deeply that I wasn’t able to protect this child I love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair. I think of the people whose lives he saved through organ donation, who have their mothers, daddies or children with them this day because of my son's sacrifice. Am I now not just a little bit their Mother too, and so my duties in that regard continue, if even in some small way?

People mean well, God. They don't know what to say to me, except the same lines we use whenever someone is grieving, because we don't always quite understand. They tell me I seem to be feeling better, although bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. There are comments like "at least he isn't suffering anymore," when I still can't come to terms with why he had to suffer, at all. They say "be grateful you had him for so many years." What year is good for your child to die?  At times I feel anger in my heart that I know is wrong.

So, let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me and hold my hand in this deep and transforming pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my constant burden and my companion. Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute I had with my son. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.

Teach me, Lord. Tell me what You want me to do with this. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are You calling me to do? I am trying my best to hear and obey. Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only You can give me the tranquility I need. Let me continue to feel Your presence in my life.

Thank you for my friends who remind me that I am loved, that tell me they are sorry, who help me remember things about my child ... who let me talk about him, who cry with me or just let me cry without judgment.

Thank you, God, for trusting me to take care of him for You, if even for entirely too short a time. Tell him his Mama loves him this Mother's Day and every day, and that I'm so very proud of him.