Normal Vs Complicated Grief and When to Seek Help

When I lost my 17 year old son Bryant in an automobile accident July 12, 2007 my world came to a complete stop or at least that’s what I wanted to happen. What I didn’t realize is the leading cause of death among teenager are automobile accidents which meant there were thousands of moms and dads that have felt this overwhelming loss of life and they too felt that their world had come to an end. Unfortunately, we have no more power to stop the world from turning than we do from losing our child. We can do everything in our parental power to prevent their death but when it happens, it just happens and the world keeps turning without them. This made me so angry to think that someone else got up the next day after Bryant died and went on about their life and my son’s life was over. This is a common and normal response to grief. Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing experiences people face and losing a child is the worst. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually the pain will get better and it's possible to accept loss and learn to live in the physical world without them only if we accept our grief journey and have a desire to start healing in some way. I talk about ways to heal, get through the holidays and how to memorialize your child in my book Wake-Up Call. I had no intentions when I first began writing to turn my journal into a book. Writing my feeling down were strictly for me and Bryant. I recount my devastating call and all that transpired for months and years to come. When I was asked to put my writings in a book I knew immediately this would help another mother as well as help someone know how to help a mother walking in this same grief. I read so many books and reached out to anyone who would listen and little did I realize at the time but every single book and person gave me just a little insight to healing.

For some, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the loss and resuming your own life even after a year.

The grieving experience has no set time frame nor does to fit into a cookie cutter mold for everyone. The order and timing of these phases of normal grief will vary from person to person:

• Accepting the reality of your loss- Do you realize what has happened?

• Allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss- Do you avoid the pain?

• Are you adjusting to your new normal in which the deceased is no longer present?

• Having other relationships- Have you made new friends or acquaintances?

  If you're unable to move through one or more of these stages after a considerable amount of time, you may have complicated grief. If so, it may be time to seek treatment. When you tell yourself, I don’t want to move forward, this is a sure sign to get help. Treatment comes in many forms and can help you come to terms with your loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace so you can live again.

  During the first few months after your loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief.  Normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time but may not completely ever go away while those of complicated grief linger for years or even get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.

  Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

• Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one whether the memory is good or bad.

• Can focus on little else but your loved one's death day after day after months have gone by.

• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders

• Very Intense and persistent longing for the deceased. As parents we will always long for them but this symptom would be continual day after day with little else to focus on.

• Problems accepting the death or bitterness about your loss

• Numbness or detachment from the rest of your friends and family

• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose for you

• Irritability or agitation and continued lack of trust in others

• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved on

  When to seek treatment

  Call your doctor if you've recently lost a loved one and feel such profound disbelief, hopelessness or intense yearning for your loved one that you can't function in daily life, or if intense grief doesn't improve over time. Parents may take months and this is expected and normal grief. Get help if over time, you continue to:

• Have trouble carrying out normal routines

• Withdraw from social activities

• Experience depression or deep sadness

• Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame

• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death

• Have lost your sense of purpose in life

• Feel life isn't worth living without your loved one

• Wish you had died along with your loved one

  I will admit I had most of these symptoms within a few months of losing my Bryant but where it becomes complicated grief, is when these symptoms never go away or get worse not better over time.

  If you have thoughts of suicide

  Since my book Wake-Up Call was published in April I have had an overwhelming response from so many who have reached out to me letting me know how much my book has helped them and how much they appreciate my word and guidance. This has been the best healing I could have ever had. To help another mother in her grief journey is my purpose in life. Although I never considered suicide, I know a parent can hurt so bad that they feel this is the only option in life. At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to someone you trust. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away. Or call a suicide hotline number. In the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor. There are so many ways to live for your child after they are gone. I wrote over a dozen articles in hopes I can help just one parent in their walk through grief. If you know someone who is in complicated grief, reach out and try to guide them in the right direction, even if it means you go with them to seek the help they need.