Ten Things I Never Expected From Grief
Because we knew that my daughter was dying, I believed I was prepared for grief. I was wrong. No matter how much we prepare, everything changes. These aspects of grief surprised me.
1. Losing time
Months after my daughter died, I pulled into a parking lot and had no memory of driving there. Some days, a whole morning would pass without thought or doing anything. Do not overestimate your abilities when grief is fresh. Ask for help when needed.
2. Being rude
As I began to feel overwhelmed by the depth of my pain, I entered a no-bullshit, no-drama zone. Listening to a woman complain about a cold made me angry. Although I felt desperate to connect, I lost the ability to care. Fortunately, this passed, as I found other bereaved parents who understood how I feel.
3. Stop reading fiction
If it didn't really happen, I wasn't interested. For awhile, I gave up books altogether. I didn't have the attention span to read words on a page, and only death caught my attention.
4. Irrational thoughts
A year after my daughters death, I concocted a plan to unbury her body. I felt desperate to see her one more time. I talked about moving her from the ground to a mausoleum. Now I'm glad I didn't. When I visit Hannah's grave, I lay on the grass and remember her hands.
5. Considering suicide
For years after Hannah's death, I was not afraid to die. No matter what happens, Hannah is already there. More than once, I considered taking my own life, though I no longer wish to leave all I love here.
1. Losing time
Months after my daughter died, I pulled into a parking lot and had no memory of driving there. Some days, a whole morning would pass without thought or doing anything. Do not overestimate your abilities when grief is fresh. Ask for help when needed.
2. Being rude
As I began to feel overwhelmed by the depth of my pain, I entered a no-bullshit, no-drama zone. Listening to a woman complain about a cold made me angry. Although I felt desperate to connect, I lost the ability to care. Fortunately, this passed, as I found other bereaved parents who understood how I feel.
3. Stop reading fiction
If it didn't really happen, I wasn't interested. For awhile, I gave up books altogether. I didn't have the attention span to read words on a page, and only death caught my attention.
4. Irrational thoughts
A year after my daughters death, I concocted a plan to unbury her body. I felt desperate to see her one more time. I talked about moving her from the ground to a mausoleum. Now I'm glad I didn't. When I visit Hannah's grave, I lay on the grass and remember her hands.
5. Considering suicide
For years after Hannah's death, I was not afraid to die. No matter what happens, Hannah is already there. More than once, I considered taking my own life, though I no longer wish to leave all I love here.
6. Experiencing visitations
I have prayed to see my daughter, and she has come to me in dreams. When I wake, I feel her presence in the room. Her brother experienced a "waking visitation". He was not asleep and Hannah appeared to him.
7. Believing psychics
A friend went to a psychic who spoke with Hannah's spirit. I believed her because she knew things no one could know. While I do not considered every psychic gifted, my daughters death opened me to magical realms. I listen for life's guidance now.
8. Living in the moment
I stopped making plans ahead of time. I wait until the day to see how I feel. Even when I am not sad, this approach to life frees me. I enjoy everything more.
9. Signs and synchronicities
I believe me daughter's spirit communicates with me, which is something I hoped for but didn't expect. Hannah loved her red shoes, and many messages I receive are red, like finding the perfect camper and it's on a red truck. "I'm going to be a butterfly," Hannah told me when she knew she was dying. Even today, when butterflies appear, I think of her.
10. Sense of healing
It will never be okay with me that Hannah died, but I no longer suffer her absence as I once did. Grief has become a part of me, and it has helped me heal. Rather than praying for my daughter to return, I feel her presence as part of everything. I can tell you, after speaking with many bereaved parents, more is possible than we know.
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