Kids, Grandkids . . . Then what . . .

I have decided that unless my grandkids are in grave danger; I am keeping my opinions to myself.

I lost my youngest son 8 years ago in a sudden death accident. I have managed to function pretty well with the outside world. I go to a therapist, my doctor on schedule and participate in Grief groups. Not that I’m really concerned with myself however I don’t want my kids to mourn a brother and a mother. 

It seems they don’t quite understand how hard living each day is for me. I will share an example from early on and one more recent.

 I watched my step-granddaughter when my son was in the Navy and afterwards to make my daughter-in-laws life a little easier. 

step granddaughterOne morning I had my step granddaughter  and my infant granddaughter (yes they had another girl as soon as my boy got out of the Navy). My step granddaughter kept pulling at our Akita’s face and staring in his eyes even though my daughter kept asking her not to do that and the danger involved. I asked her (my step granddaughter) why she kept doing something she had been told not to do!

 “I’m bored! Summer is boring, no school and all my mom does is college homeworker.” I immediately started problem solving = swimming afternoons at the local pool!! Perfect,

When her mom got here and I told her I would like to take her swimming but I would need her to drive us. My daughter in law grabbed her kids, stomped out and called my son who called me and told me off every which way.

 I have no idea what I did wrong. It had only been 2 years since Joey died and I was still in great pain and often confused. I was not going to tattle on my step granddaughter so I just took the abuse that followed.

That was then, this is now. My grandson lost his college grant due to financial cutbacks. The only way he can get a BA is to live with his Dad, work 3 jobs and take 6 years; or borrow money. Apparently the living with dad thing isn’t going to work and my son is severely against my grandson taking out loans.

 I want my grandson to have the education he wants, I want him to go  wherever his dreams lead him. Life can be very short for young folks in this time in history. Let my boy get an education!! 

My son came over in an angry state and gave me a tongue lashing as I didn’t agree with him. I explained to him that I am fragile; I have been since Joey died and I really can’t take my kids yelling at me. I need positive feedback or a calm explanation. I feel as if I’m going to crumble. His answer to me was “well then I’ll leave you alone. I’m not a positive person!”

Kids & Grandkids, (I still wait for Joey to come home and my heart breaks when he doesn’t). All I have had for 45 years. No more however. I will not say a word unless one is in danger, as I said in the beginning. They can do as they wish. Hopefully I raised them well enough all will be well for each of them.

As for me I will try to live my own life as I wait each day for Joey to come home.

About the Author

An unusual occurrence happened in my life over the course of three years, three horrible years. My youngest son Joey, my Father, Mother, Uncle, Aunt, two cousins, my BFF Judy, my hermit friend Vern, and my little dog all died. I became a different person, in many ways, over those three years. Grief for my parents, relatives and friends seems to be going through proper stages and moving along; however grief for my son never quiets. It seems to live in my mind, body and soul, active and on the edge at all times. It is a wonder to me that I did not die with my son. It seems so cruel that parents suffer this pain; and then I think how cruel it would have been for my other three children if they had to mourn a brother and a mother. No, better I grieve the rest of my natural life than have them hurt any worse. Life goes on each day and I live it in moments, walking in both worlds, this one and the next. I seem to find my way ok, stumbling now and again but surviving. Writing and sharing helps me along my way, so thank you for reading this and sharing a bit of my story.