The Angry Widow

I'll cop to it.... I admit it.  I'm angry.

Oh sure, everybody expects that I would be angry that my husband died so unexpectedly and at the tender age of 63. But that's not what I'm really angry about.

I'm angry at the way our society treats widows and widowers, and grievers generally.

Three things happened this week that set me off. The holidays are here. Those are always a downer, unless you work really, really hard not to let them best you. I read a great article by someone about the many different ways people can be supportive of widows and widowers. The author nailed it; had it spot on with suggestions about helping out with tasks that two used to do, about invitations to dinner, about calling to check on widows or widowers, especially during storms or emergencies.

I also went to a party in the neighborhood. The hostess is a dear friend, one of two in my neighborhood of 20 families. It happened again. The shunning happened again. I went in optimistic and upbeat. Started conversations by asking others about what was going on in their lives. When they, in turn, got around to asking me about what's new with me, I shared with excitement  my many projects for widows & widowers. Correction. I got about one & a half sentences out before the listeners changed the subject on me or actually and physically moved away.

Didn't happen at the other two holiday parties I attended with new friends; friends I've made since Pat's death. In those groups? I felt very welcome.

These neighbors, these "such good new buddies" when we all were brand new to the neighborhood and to the state, shunned me utterly, the entire first year of my loss. No one checked on me, no one offered to help me change the high light bulbs outside, no one came to assist when a tree fell on my roof in a major ice storm. No one invited me to join them for holiday dinners. That first year? I spent every blessed holiday completely alone. I must admit, there were one or two invitations to be "the lunch lady". Widows become "lunch ladies".  When my husband was living, we all had dinner.

The message was clear. We don't want you anywhere near our husbands. Go figure? I never did anything to indicate I was interested in anyone but my own husband. Talk about insecure. 

Now I run some widow & widower groups. I hear the same stories. One friend moved from Atlanta to my state to get away from it. Widows and widowers, probably all grievers are treated very shabbily.

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"  This year, I'm going to do my level best to change it, to educate non-grievers. I've got my work cut out for me.