Are You Safe?

The first time I heard these words, "Are you safe?," it wasn't long after Tim died. I really didn't understand what that mean't. Was I safe with my husband,? my family? my friends?" Of course I was safe with them. Then one day, about a year after my son died, that phrase had meaning. It meant, was I safe with myself. Sad to say, the answer was no. I was not safe with myself. Are you safe with yourself when you are alone? Sometimes, even now, almost 5 years later, that question, on any given day, could still be no. Most of the time, I am safe, but there are still days that I am not safe.

5 years seems like a long time to still grieve for someone, but when it is your child, the sadness, sorrow, grief are forever. 5 years is only a moment. No matter how hard I try, Tim's death just happened. I still see him, like it was fresh and new. When it seems that the tears have finally dried up, another blast of it hits like a hard wave in the ocean. The tears are forever and endless. You may think you are living a half life and that it is all you have to look forward to... more tears, more sorrow, more pain. Always more. We can smile and laugh but at times, it means nothing but hiding our pain.

It all sounds pretty daunting, doesn't it? Like if that is all we have to look forward to, then why are we fighting so hard to survive? Why don't we just lay down and die? Maybe it is because we are fighters. No matter how bad we hurt, we get up and move forward, not away from the one we lost for they will always be with us, just forward to see what is around the next corner. Some of us will cry a lot and for a long time, some won't. So, please don't think that my short falls are all you have to look forward to. Life hurts, no doubt about it, sometimes it stinks. But here we are, for reasons unknown.

Are you safe? Honestly ask yourself that question. If the answer is no, then move your butt to whatever makes you feel safe. Don't let it build up to the point that you hurt yourself or others. We do have a life to live and maybe one day, something to look forward too. Look around you, there are reasons to go on. Your husband or wife, your other kids or grandkids, your friends, or someone who needs you just as bad as you once needed someone. Help who you can and maybe, just maybe, you will know why you are still standing, still here. I send you all my love and hugging arms and I feel your sorrow. One day, we will cry no more, until then I am, "Forever Mom."