Has it already been two years?

The pain is still there.  I still miss him like crazy.  I am still mad that my son was taken from me.  My love for him has grown more and more everyday, still.  The sleepless nights are still a normal part of my life.  I have learned that life goes on even though you want it to just stop.  I know I am a survivor.  I wish I could get over it, but I can't and don't think I ever will.  I wish everyday that my son was still alive.  I know that I must take my life and take it one step at a time.  To look into the future is too much for me.  I try to enjoy today, but tomorrow I am not sure what it will bring.  The good days do outnumber the bad days, most of the time.

The hole in my heart is still there.  The emptiness I feel hurts.  I am not the same person I use to be. I am not sure who I am any more.  I know I am not complete.

My soul, my body, my brain have learned to adjust to this emptiness and pain I feel.  The pain is constant.  It never goes away.  It never lightens up.  It is a pain that hurts so much, that as time goes on you just go on, even though you don't want to.  Your soul knows there is something wrong but instinctively tells you to do what you can.

I still have nightmares.  I still cry myself to sleep.  I still think of him every second of the day.  I move but only one footstep at a time.  I take 2 steps forward and sometimes go back 8 steps.

I can remember the last breath he took.  My hate towards the world, towards God was so strong at that moment.

I remember laying with him to tell him his last bedtime story.  Being able to talk to him and tell him over and over how much I loved him and would miss him.

Time does not heal.  Time gives us the coping skills we need to be able to push through these times.  Time has helped but has not healed me.  Time has given me a little bit of light in this abyss that I feel I will always live until I am with my son, again.

It won't ever go away.   I will always miss my son.  He will always be a part of my life, our life.  There is 11 years that he was with us.  He will never go away.  We will have laughs.  We will have our sad times.  He will always have a part in my life.  He will always be talked about.

I will not ever stop loving him.  I will never stop talking about him.  I will probably cry when you mention his name, but I know that I will be happy that you mentioned his name.

You must understand what a mother goes through when she loses her child.  I do not think there are any words or anything that you can compare the pain to. These words are only words.  There is no physical pain, no emotional pain that can describe the pain that I go through every single day.

I do want you to understand that I want you to talk about my son.  I do want you to ask me how I am doing.  I do want to talk about what I am feeling.  I don't want you to feel scared.  I don't want you to think that all is ok.  I want you to walk beside me.  I want you to be my friend.  I want you to know Sam and the wonderful boy that he is.

Five, eight, even 20 years from now he will still be a part of our lives and we will still talk about him.