I couldn’t fix you

I’ve become so damn exhausted, and I don’t know if it’s from not sleeping or if it’s because I miss you so bad, because before you left was the last full 8 of hours of rest that I had.

Now I stay up until the sun begins to rise,  and until the birds start to chirp, because it’s hard to lie still with all of this hurt.

My hands and feet have been shaking since you’ve been gone, and they just won’t steady, because I was prepared to die, but you did so first, and I wasn’t ready.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t the plan I rehearsed, 

 Because I spent my entire life asking God to take me first.

I used to say that I wouldn’t be able to survive without you,  and now I feel so guilty because I’m still breathing, this heart must have teeth, because it feels like it’s teething.

I knew you were tired, but never once did I think that you’d stop fighting or that you’d throw up your hands, because we had so many plans.

I thought that we’d get the chance to follow through, and now I can’t do them without you.

I know you’d want me to, but mom I’m  just not as strong as you think, because your love was stronger than any drink.

Now these pills are the liquor in my cup, and my tears are the chaser, I’m dying here without you, but at least you’re safer.

I couldn’t protect you as well as those angels, because they have everything I don’t, and now that something is you, but now what the hell am I supposed to do?

They were gonna get to keep you forever anyways, and I don’t understand why they had to take you back home so soon, and I wonder if you ever got that balloon.

Because on your birthday I wrote you a note on one and sent it into the sky, and I watched it get smaller the further I watched it fly.

It probably popped on it’s way, but it’s just easier for me to pretend, and I don’t want to know, because now my heart is homeless, and it has no place left to go.

It used to live in you, but just like a tornado you got sucked up into it’s funnel and all it left behind was rubble and a frameless home, now I’m stuck down here to rebuild this mess all alone.

But the boards keep breaking and I don’t have enough screws to keep it together, because if it were up to me, I’d keep you forever.

But nothing does, and good things never last, time is passing so quickly, but broken hearts just don’t heal as fast.

Some never do, and I’m so scared that mine won’t too, because the only thing it knew, was how to love you.

Now I have to start all over, and I have to do so from scratch, because I counted my chickens before they hatched.

I just thought you’d fight a little longer, but you were so much sicker than I knew, and you never told me about the demons that were eating at you.

I didn’t notice them until it was too late, because it took you so damn long to let down your guard, because I can read anyone else, but when it came to reading you, it was just too hard.

You hid your sorrow almost as well as you hid all of those pills that weren’t prescribed, and you lived your life half alive.

You never got to see Niagara Falls, and you never got to see the sun set over a white sand beach, and just like terry jacks, it was the stars that you couldn’t reach.

You never got to call a house your home, and you bounced from place to place all of your short lived life, and in your back, this world left a knife.

It was never fair to you, and you waited for a break that never came, because we all hurt, but it’s not the same.

We all do so in our own ways, some are just better at putting on a disguise, and I don’t know why I believed those lies.

When you said you wanted to get better, this time around,  that was something that I thought you really meant, but the angel you prayed for, was the one that god never sent.

I don’t know why he didn’t, because if anyone deserved a helping hand, that person was you, because every time I said you were beautiful, you said it wasn’t true and now I don’t know how much longer I can make it without you.

-I’m sorry I couldn’t  kill your addiction (LMS)

About the Author
Hi there, I guess I should start off by saying my name is Lisa Smurl, I’m 25 years old, and it’s been a little over a year since I lost my mother. I’ve been writing poetry from the time I was ten years old and it’s the only way I can say how I feel. It’s just something that’s always come natural to me, and it’s become a way of coping. I hope to one day share my writing with the world, because if it can bring comfort to just one person, that’d be enough for me.
I'm Grieving, Now What?