Your Pain will lessen it will never leave

It has been 2 years since I last wrote about forgiving my parents for dying and myself for living. 

And while many people do not understand my pain, I do not hold them responsible because people grieve in different ways.  I am content believing in some small way that when they reach out to me that I can help.  My help usually is in the form of listening with minimum interuption and a heartfelt "oh my" to let them know while I am still listening in the wee hours of the morning. I want them to know I am here for them - if only to listen to their desperate attempt to make sense of death, family, religion and spitituality.  

2 years is a LONG time.  A lot can happen in 2 years.  Friendships can be torn apart, children can be born, marriages can be made whole and the pain from death however FOREVER present can hurt less.  To those who do not know my story, my parents died in 2013.  My father died 5 days after we buried my mother.  My 2 parents were gone within 2 weeks.  But what most people did not know was that I was just 2 weak to carry on.  I could not sleep.  I would not sleep.  I was too busy asking God what I did wrong.  I was too busy trying to remember every sin, great and small, because things like this do not happen to people who are good people.  I read self help books and Religious books like people read FaceBook Posts. 

I could not understand how or why God would do this 2 me.  I could not understand what I did to offend God, and most importantly why my punishment was so severe.  Often times I would drive down the road with tears streaming down my face asking God "why do you hate me so"?  Believe it or not God never answered, never replied, never whispered, never gave a sign or never told someone to tell me why He hated me so.  

But sometimes, just sometimes if you can wait - if you can hold on, if you can just give yourself permission to be mad, mean, and misreable without caring what others think - your pain will lessen.  Your pain will never leave.  It will take time and someone who you may have not met to love you.  Because their love, is the love that will allow your heart to beat with purpose and with less pain.  I am not telling you something I heard, or something I read, I am telling something I know. 

In the two year period a little girl was born, she turned 2 this month.  I could not believe my heart would beat with joy,  and yet with each "NO" she utters, each "fit" she throws my heart smiles.   Family means everything to me.  Had both parents not died in 2013 I would have not had the time or the energy to pursue or inquire about foster care, or adoption.   

Do I think about my parents daily - No. I think about them throughout the day. When my 2 year old looks up at the ceiling fan/light and waves and giggles I know my parents are there. When I ask her "Where is my Momma" and she waves at the light - it gives me peace.  Yes, the pain lessens but never leaves, but each day is better than the one before......this I know for sure.