Tears In Heaven



When I lost my son I didn’t know what to do with my self. Life seemed to stretch on endlessly and it did not include me. I was totally lost and afraid I would never come back from it, never. My friend brought me to singsnap and I started there, singing. It helped and I was surprised. I don’t feel I can sing very well but it didn’t matter. I sang this song for my son and it mattered so much to me.

When we lose those that are so dear to our hearts, it throws us for a loop that seems to go on forever. Only we can get ourselves off of that loop. That I still hurt and miss my son daily goes without saying. Sometimes I still cry and feel lost. I think it will always be that way but I have learned to manage my grief. It took a long time and a lot of work. I became creative.

It started with the singing but didn’t end there. I painted pictures, created jewelry and in general, kept my hands and mind busy. But now the holidays are upon us and the sorrow does rise to the top of everything. It can’t be helped and we have to live with it. I say SING, sing your hearts out and if that doesn’t help, paint until you can’t paint anymore and then create. Create whatever you can and keep creating. Whatever it is that helps keep you together, do more of it. I know this time of the year hurts just as much as their death day and their birthday. Just know that you are loved.

Let your tears flow, don’t hold them in. They help cleanse the pain for a little while. Sometimes I wish I were numb to everything and then realize that my son, my soul, would not like that. I have so many here that I love and I have seen the many posts that though we love many, it’s not enough to keep us here, but it is if we just let it. I know you all are afraid to love because when it is taken away the pain is more than we can bear.

For us, there will always be Tears In Heaven. Maybe they cry for us too as they cannot help us through this all-consuming sorrow. My oldest grandson bought me a husky puppy recently. I didn’t believe he (the dog) would be able to help me, but by golly, he does. He knows when the sadness reaches too high and he is there to help bring it down again so please don’t rule out a pet that can help you. I believe that heaven is full of our tears and each one is counted separately. I don’t want my son, wherever he is, to feel the sorrow and loss that I have felt. So may my tears cleanse the grief for a little while. I love you all as I love myself. With heartfelt love… ‘Forever Mom,’  PS the puppy’s name is Dwayne, ‘The Roc,’ Mason, Roc for short.


About the Author

 My son, Tim, passed on January 5th 2014 at the age of 34. He chose to end his life. So many things happened to bring him to that point. Believe it or not, I understand why. No matter how our child died, that is the keyword 'our child.' I wish you all gentle days and nights as you walk your path. Barbara, 'Forever Mom.'