How can we, who have lost our child grieve so long after they have gone. Because we have known a love that is greater than ourselves. For a long time the world goes dim and the only bright spot is that red hot poker that sears our hearts every single day. Then suddenly, one day, it does not seem as painful and we have hope. They say hope is eternal … Until that poker heats up again. You see? We have learned something that we never wanted to know … grief, deep, soul-wrenching grief. We have loved deeply.

One day, the color trickles back into the world but it is so slow we hardly even notice until it reaches it glorious heights. Rainbows are till a wonder, storms and lightening evoke in us the primal desire to scream to the high heavens as our hearts burst with pain again. Hope?! Hope is something we have very little of. We cannot hope, beg, borrow or still our lost one back. We can only scream, but now it is screaming silently so as not to disturb those who do not walk our path.

I saw my son’s blue lips that night and knew but still I begged my husband to bring him back, please God, bring him back. Hope. Of course he could not, of course not. It did not stop me from hoping, for just a second, that all was possible, but that moment passed quickly as reality struck. Broken. I could not even hold him one more time or kiss his forehead, my husband wouldn’t let me, maybe he was right, maybe not, I do not know. If I had felt the cold of his skin, I might never have come back from the abyss.

There will always be someone hurtful who will have a mistaken idea of what is happening in our lives, how long we should grieve an then get over it. Always someone who does not understand that some loss you can never get over, just learn to live with it. Again hope, hope that they will learn to understand but not in the way that we did, not with loss. Even though they can be cruel, you don’t wish this on anyone. Sometimes, you see someones son/daughter who is so out of control, no one can help them and you wonder, for a moment you wonder why. Why is my loved one dead and not them, then you feel shame. You don’t know what has happened to this person to make them that way or even what is still happening and maybe they have hope …. hope that someone will know how to help them save themselves.

What about you? Why are you still here? Many reasons I am sure, and I am grateful that you are still here. I know we all feel this pain and just want it to go away. The hurt so deep, you can never dig it out. I have found that given time, I can now walk in the sunshine again. Love a rainbow when it comes. I plant roses of many colors because of their beauty. They die eventually but I know they will come back next year. I have an Adam bush that has bloomed boundlessly for our friends son who died 10 years ago and yes, he still cries but he also laughs though some of the spark has gone out. I have two rose bushes for Tim, one red, one yellow because I know he would love them and I like the beauty of them. I have hope again, this time it will stay. It is Covid time and so many have died. The world does not stop. We learn to cry when we feel like crying, scream when we can no longer hold it in, we have pictures and strong memories. We have hope. May your nights be gentle and peace befall you. Find your hope. Love you. “Forever Mom”





About the Author

 My son, Tim, passed on January 5th 2014 at the age of 34. He chose to end his life. So many things happened to bring him to that point. Believe it or not, I understand why. No matter how our child died, that is the keyword 'our child.' I wish you all gentle days and nights as you walk your path. Barbara, 'Forever Mom.'