The Extra Closet and Drawer Space

Closet space is something most girls covet.  We want the space so we can either spread out all of our clothes in a nice and neatly organized fashion, or we want to have the option to buy more, more, more.  We want countless drawers so we can have one for jewelry, one for underwear, one for makeup, etc.  Our obsession with brightly lit walk-in closets reached grandiose levels through movies like Sex and the City where women have closets that could house me and my entire family.  It’s all about the space, the room to spread out, and ability to display our worldly possessions.  But what happens when you have so much space you don’t know what to do with it?  Here's the three things I have learned when it comes to that space and grieving.

Something you are not prepared for when grieving is the space and your reaction to that space.  I’m talking about those vacant places that scream out their depressing vacancy every time you glance at them.  Zach is gone and I have been left with all this unoccupied space.  I have been left with an entire house, five closets, and 18 drawers at my disposal.  Yes, I counted the drawer space between both bedrooms.  It is a lot of space.  I resent it.  I almost physically hate it because of what it represents.  I don’t want extra closet and drawer space.  I want him here using it. 

Another thing you are not prepared for when grieving is what to do with the space that was previously used by your lost loved one.  Do you leave it as is?  Do you empty it and pack it all away?  Do you sell it?  Store it? Donate it?  Inevitably you will have numerous people advise you on what to do with it.  They will tell you that you need to box it up and get it out of the house.  As if removing their belongings will magically make you feel better and be less reminded of their presence.  After four months of living out-of-town with Zach’s parents following his death, I moved back to the house and yes, I did pack up some of his things.  But mostly just the closet in the second bedroom which was full of all his dress clothes and work clothes, some of his 100 pairs of shoes, some socks; really not that much. For me, that made sense.  It was all I could manage.  All that I wanted to be gone.  I didn’t care what other people felt I needed to do with that space.  Emptying it would be so much more foreign, so harsh, so crushing.  For me, I would rather see his shirts hanging in the closet, his drawers full of boxers, and his hats hanging on hooks.  Thinking about all of his space being empty turns my stomach so I did what was right for me.  And anyone reading this will have to do what is right for them.  It might not be my way, it probably won't be anyone elses way but it will be your way.    

One last thing you are not prepared for when grieving is people's intrusive opinions about the space.  I already mentioned their opinions about the closet and drawer space, but it isn't just that.  Its the WHOLE space.  I have been asked countless times over the last nine months how I can possibly still be living in the house alone.  I have been asked numerous times if I plan on moving.  I have been given “friendly” suggestions/advice about my apparent need to move, something they are clearly more informed about.  I have even been told by several people that maybe I need to redecorate; as if fresh paint will erase the fact that grief has consumed my life after losing the love of my life.  Somehow I don’t think Martha Stewart sells a product great enough to manage that and I definitely don't think anything from IKEA could be assembled to make the house feel less lonely.  You cannot imagine the things that people will tell you, suggest, imply, or recommend throughout the grieving process, but it is never more apparent when it comes to their belongings and space.  I have to trust that they do this from the goodness of their hearts but when you are grieving it is hard to believe them.  No one can tell you what to do with your loved one's space or their belongings.  Only you can tell yourself what is right.

The reality of it is this. Leaving pants hanging in the closet, watches in the drawer, or suits stored in the second bedroom is not going to make them come back. Packing up those pants, watches, and suits is not going to make them come back.  That space they once occupied is going to be there whether it is filled with things or not.  Empty space, filled space. It doesn't matter.  It will be vacant because they are gone.  All we can do is what feels right for us and what feels remotely OK to get us through just one more day.

Read more of my thoughts about our loved ones “Junk That's Laying Around” at http://wordstohealthepain.wordpress.com/2012/05/19/the-junk-thats-laying-around/