Feeling It

.
emotions are meant to be felt.
so why is it so hard to feel them?
why is my first reaction always: "find a way to shut them up."
even happiness is difficult for me.
I realize I'm feeling happy and *boom,* I'm doing something that will surely push that happiness away
.
who really wants to grieve?
who chooses to sulk in a dark sadness, a ripping loneliness, the reality that your mother was torn from your life, never to return?
those feelings haunt me.
they scream at me...FEEL ME...EXPERIENCE THIS HELL.
i run from it as much as i can.
it catches me often.
sometimes I let it.
they say you're supposed to feel it,
or your body will do something else with it.
but feeling it is usually no better than running.
feeling it means no one better get in my way,
cause I'm on a bender,
a mad journey of anger,
rage,
resentment.
and I will likely hurt you,
I will likely make sure I am not alone in this dark, ugly place
.
I hate that girl ^
.
but sometimes in those "feeling fits,"
I pick up a pen and a piece of paper.
takes a lot for me to do that but I do it.
that is the only time these "feelings" benefit me
.
and each time, I realize,
bad feelings are meant to be felt.
no matter how tormenting they may be.
they are not meant to be taken out on others,
they are meant to be taken out on ourselves.
they help us dig within to find some sort of light that will lift us from the darkness.
they are what drive us.
they are what make us human.
they are beautiful,
even grief
.