I Am Still Here

It is almost 4 years now that my son died. It seems like a lifetime. Sometimes, I look at his picture and it becomes yesterday for a little while.  Yesterday, when I could hug him, tell him how much I love him and look into his sweet blue eyes. So much has happened after losing him and yet, I am still here. There were times I wondered if I would be for much longer, after all, everyone dies eventually. The reasons for dying are all their own. I think it is the one thing we cannot find an answer for so it causes us more pain.

My oldest brother died a couple of weeks ago. For me, it was so sudden that it left me totally shocked. Not him. He was so strong, self-assured about his life. He lived the life he chose and as far as I know, he was content, happy. So, why? I don't know about his life the last three years, but I heard it was good. I feel sad that I was not there to share or be a part of it. Still, he was happy. He loved his family, worked hard, played hard and now he is gone. Pancreatic Cancer. I think it hit him like an exploding volcano. What I feel is not near the same as the pain for my son, but that does not mean it is not a deep pain. I had cancer last year and here I am. I am still here. So why him and not me? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Oh yeah, you bet I am. He will see my son before I do. When they operated on me, my heart stopped in the middle of surgery. They massage it back to life. I didn't know about it until a few days later and my first thought was why didn't they just let me go. I have come a long way from that day.

Now, I search for things that bring me joy or make me happy. I started out painting pictures. They brought me a touch of happiness, but not enough. After a few months, I joined an online Karaoke and found that I loved to do that but it was not what I was looking for. I wanted to create beauty. The painting and singing had their own kind of beauty, but they were not what I was looking for. Then one day, I pulled out my old beading kits. I have found the joy I was looking for. It surprised me that it helped fill my heart. Now, I will start a web page for my jewelry and sell it so others can have beauty in their lives. I create. Oh wow. I create. There are necklaces, anklets, bracelets and soon earrings and it brings me great joy that I created them and one-day others will wear them.

It took me a long time and a lot of hits and misses, but I found something that can bring me joy. The sadness and pain will always be there inside my broken heart. But we learn to live with it. In the beginning, we can do nothing but want to die with those we love. Time is the only thing that can bring us a little further from the horror and loss. It is a long hard road full of holes and cracks ready to know you down over and over. Get up my friend, walk the road and search for some joy to help you through. Once you find it, it becomes a tribute to ones you lost. I am forever your friend and am here if you need me. Take that step my friends. With all my love, "Forever Mom."