REMEMBERING MEMORIES WITH LOVE NOT PAIN
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. – Kahlil Gibran
On our wedding day I knew our future would not be long, yet our true love would last forever.
In the beginning of my grief I can remember the unbearable pain as soon as a memory of our life came into my mind, the pain took out all the life in me to just remember. Your left in thought of overloading questions of why this happened?, what am I going to do now with out them?, how will I ever be able to think of our love if it takes the breath out of me leaving me lifeless?, to feeling I don't want to think of the memories due to wanting to have more of it with him/her with me but now he/her is gone.
The pain of memories come back flooding your whole being leaving you feel helpless, yet in those moments of memories the pain forces us to lose touch of any positive thoughts to over come the pain, it leaves all of you in the dark, it takes a hold of you so strongly that your heart automatically feels the strong grip of pain, fears, hopelessness. Really no words can ever explain the wrath it has on all of you, yet all of you just feels alone, you see no one, feel no one, the world is though it exists of only you, your pain, your loss. It feels as though your on an island all alone, no one around, the sun never shines, your tears fall yet no one can save you, no one knows how to, no one even knows where you are. All of us is so consumed in pain that all of our being is held hostage to the strong grip of pain, fear, darkness. It's easy to see why we at first just let go, we take that vacation alone, we all know we are never alone yet at first we need to take that trip alone.
It is as though in this time we start to find out just how much strength we hold in us. We use this time to explore rock bottom to see there is absolutely no where else to go, we understand that either we stay under water to give up, or we build all of us back up to the level of life. Once you see with your own eyes there is no more further down to go, we see proof that it is true, "Once you hit rock bottom there is no where else to go but up". In this time around we build so strongly back up to life that we understand the foundation is all up to us to re build stronger then it has ever been. Things that never before were seen are found this time around. Our life takes on a whole new look, our hearts start finding more room from the pain that took up too much of the space. Little moments by little moments we are rebuilding our life with out even realising. In those little breaks we think clearly to understand what we thought would never end, actually does.
In the moment wherever you will be all of you suddenly stops to take notice that your mind has let go of the pain that goes with the memories you thought of, you take notice in the moment you are actually thinking of something other than the loss of your loved one passed, it is in those little moments that soon enough it becomes longer, to me it is as though it is a tiny vacation for you as well as your heart. It is in those breaks you start to understand "yes it does let up", the more it happens the more you start letting in the light. In those brief moments is when you then can start to understand the memories of your loved one passed is not about pain, it is the thoughts that make you shine from within all the way across the ends of the world. That is when you must take a hold of the feeling of love, that it is that love that you have felt once upon a time when your loved one passed was here with you, so why let the pain take that away?. Every memory with your loved one passed is the path you need to follow to find all of your light, to find your hope, to find your dreams, to find doors that are open waiting for you to walk through.
Understanding in the beginning those memories are meant to be left far away from our thoughts as possible due to wanting it all to be the way it once was. In time the beginning moves forward in silence to a place where you will see a break happen, a gift to your heart, as well as soul. The title wave needs to come to shore just as the pain as well calmly leaving your whole being in a calm, feeling the pain free break, even if just for a little. These breaks are a blessing to your heart, it is in those moments you can see that it does ease up, you can think clearly, that you are still you.
The memories we have start to become our treasures, our strength. Once we start taking notice to the memories to see the pain no longer controls us nor our memories we start to understand that it is in us to keep pushing through it all, it is in the remembering the memories we find are our "happy thoughts" the thoughts we use to defeat the darkness, the pain we thought would never leave. Those memories become the grip we take back on our mind, body, heart, soul.In the remembering, I remember so many moments to use as my light once the darkness creeps around. Remembering at night as I sat up in bed watching my husband passed and our little girl sleeping thinking to myself "this bed seems so small yet in this queen size bed is everything I have ever wanted in my life", remebering how every night as my daughter snuck in between leaving me to the edge of our bed it was all I ever needed in my life, that right there was my world, my life. Also remembering all the endless nights my husband passed and I would lay awake laughing as well as talking until early morning not to even take notice in the time, nor that it was already morning. I remember the beach, a place we would go to just to relax, to just be in that moment. The many road trips lookin for horses for my daughter to see, she loves them so much, for us seeing her face brighten up like the sun made us smile, proud, grateful. The memories of us are all around, they are never ending. Don't fear you will ever forget, our love will never let us.
It is in all of these most sacred moments you will find your blessings in the now life you slowly re build. In these memories your loved ones passed stay with you, never leaving your side. In it all you will find the way to the bright light within you, you will find you again, you will find it is the memories that become a force so much stronger than anything you have to face.
All of your memories will prove to your heart that anything in life that you do is doable, you will find new dreams, new hope, new belief. You will start seeing a brighter, vivid joyful side of life you have been missing for so long, it will be as though everything will just look so much brighter. In you you will feel a feeling that no words can ever explain. All these little breaks start to become longer, bigger, lasting breaks. Once you feel that there is not anything you feel you can not do. Find your memories, in those memories lays little pieces of your strength. These memories soon become what you use to fight out the darkness and pain, soon enough with out thought you fought out the darkness so much all you see is light, love, peace.
All of the life you once had soon becomes a treasure we let lay in our hearts. We soon realise that the pain is not what our loved ones passed has blessed us with, it was pure true love, that alone is what conquers all the pain as well as darkness.
In building anew the life that we re build becomes a forever shinning bright light that not anyone can't see. The light within shines brighter, the life we start living becomes unbreakable, our belief never fades, dreams become so real we conquer them all little by little. Through it all we know in our hearts that everything we ever dreamed of is all right there down the path we walk along side our memories of the life we had before this.
NOTE TO ALL: The path we walk may seem dark yet as we move forward we put on our shades to see the light getting brighter then the sun on a hot day in summer, we start to see those around having to start putting on their own as well when ever we are near. Memories = your powerful strength to use against any darkness or horrific pain. Memories become our dream catchers. It was the other day going through our things looking for something I came across our wedding pictures that was when I understood just how powerful our memories really are to our life we live now. Sure at first I was struck with uncontrolable tears but quicker then the tears I smiled in knowing on that day I married the man that blessed my life with absolute true love. It was on that day he made one of my dreams come true.
From the bad to the greatest of memories it was in them all you were sulking in nothing more then pure true love. What I take with me through the toughest of my days are the words my husband passed would always tell me "I just want you to be happy". The moment that brought me back up from rock bottom was remembering the very first time my husband and I saw one another, there was something in between us telling us both "this person you see in front of you is where your truest of love lays, a gift to you both that not everyone will find, a love that goes beyond this life you live".
In honor of my husband passed I light the three candles in this picture above, the light of the candles always remind me of the light I hold within that may flicker from time to time yet never go out or be put out. The light of the candles are always a reminder to my heart that our love will forever shine, to take my light out into the world to show others in grieving pain that they to can turn back on their own light. That no matter what their light will always shine. The love from our loved ones passed combines with ours to shine brighter then ever before, It is to be seen at the ends of the world and back.
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