Use Social Networks To Cope With The Death Of Your Loved One

Social interaction when coping with the death of your loved one is crucial to adapting to life without the physical presence of him or her. Friends and family that we can rely on not only help us cope with change but play a major role in maintaining our heath. We must be the change agent to build and maintain our relationships now and for the rest of our lives. No one else can do this for us.

Recognize that there is often a tendency to isolate ourselves from others when we are hurting. Certainly this is a normal response and we do need time by ourselves. However, never forget that our need to be accepted and belong is commonly fulfilled by our supportive relationships. So what can we do to develop or manage our relationships with others?

1. First and foremost be aware that low levels of social interaction do affect the immune system and there is research to prove it. When we perceive that those around us do not validate our loss or are consistent in their support, stress levels rise. Excessive stress weakens the immune system's ability to fight off infection. Use this knowledge as a motivating force to reach out even as you mourn.

2. Next, it is important to recognize that although many people in your social networks will be positively helpful, a few may be negative and cause unnecessary suffering. This happens when someone, although meaning well, attempts to direct your grief work according to their beliefs. They may urge you to stifle emotion at certain times or tell you it is time to "get on with your life." Stay in charge of your grief and do all in your power to minimize contact with these individuals for the time being.

3. Give recognition to those in your support system when they are there for you. They need to know that they are helping you in your difficult time. Not only do you need to feel accepted by others but that very same need exists with those in your support network. Letting others know their time and efforts are appreciated will strengthen your relationships.

4. If your social networks are few it will be necessary to reach out for increased interaction. You can do this by considering joining a grief support group at your local church, synagogue, hospice, or hospital. As the weeks or months go by, you may want to join an organization that provides a service to others or promotes an activity or program of interest. New interpersonal relationships can play a leading role in adapting to the new circumstances of life.

5. It is also possible to visit some social networking sites on the internet. This could be another addition to needed interaction. There are websites on gardening, golf, cooking, finding employment, hobbies, baking, religion, and politics to name a few. Much information can be shared. However, most psychologists and counselors will tell you that face to face contact is infinitely more beneficial than using a computer to communicate.

6. Increase your personal communication skills. Become aware of the power of nonverbal communication. While the choice of words you use when greeting someone who has come to help you is important, communication experts tell us that body language conveys the most powerful messages of all. If appropriate, give the person a hug or shake their hand. Think of all the ways you send messages by facial expressions, tone of voice, or your posture and become adept at reading those messages from those who come to help.

7. Work toward trust and consistency in your social networks. Ask yourself if you have values, interests, or similarities that you can build on with others. Be consistent in meeting people at specific times and places. Expectations that you can be counted on and are appreciative of all that is being done will build a strong base for ongoing interactions. And by all means, never forget the power in using names. Greet your friends and family by their first names. During conversations, when appropriate, say the person's name.

To sum up: Do your outer work. Even as we grieve and must do our inner work, we can continue to learn the importance of the ongoing building of our social networks whether they are with one other person or with many others. Let your grief transform you, and allow part of that transformation be in the strengthening of social bonds through your sincere efforts to grow. Each one of us has an outer role to discover and play in nurturing each other and providing the acceptance we all crave.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and was the founding President of Hospice & Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website ishttp://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.