10 years ...how we stand,or fall

February 24.-10 whole years ago on this day I was making my phone calls to place you in rehab number 18 while Daddy waited to drive you.Furious,stressed out and resigned,he brought you and you two had quite the laugh over a drunk man in the lobby area.While I prepared for another "mini vacation"I did my usual...cleaned your entire room,ridding it of baggies,needles,reminders of what was and what should never be.

February 26,2006-Sunday the phone rang telling me you were once again "cured" and ready to come home.I drove the hour myself and the conversation we had on the way home I will never,ever forget.It is burned into my memory.Always close,I now understood more about your addiction than I ever wanted to.

Exactly 90 minutes after you walked thru our front door ,I received a phone call that has forever changed us.Split my brain into two halves.Leaving me to pay a debt,you simply never came home again.

It is not possible to explain to others how I operate while the one reel in my head continually rolls memories of places and highlights of 20 short years of a very nice family life,while the other reel allows me to live my new ,somewhat normal altered little 3 person life.At first,it was very confusing,but after 10 years,I am used to it and am comforted by it.It annoys me when people don't  understand why,after 10 years I am "still"singing your praises.I am you.You are me.Daddy and I created you and with you gone,a piece of my being  has been ripped away from my physical awareness.I am no longer whole.I completely understand you are gone,yet I am devastated.I bring you up always as I would never want anyone to forget the light that shined within you.

I am the same person I have always been.In the sense that I have blonde hair,green eyes..I love the sun,the beach and I appear to look fine.When I look at me,I see an aged beyond years 53 year old ,my face lined by sadness,my body in constant ache.Yet,I can smile.I can laugh.I can be grateful.I have my beautiful daughter and my husband and I like ,love to be home alone.It is there I think about my family life before the damage was done.

I don't  know how 10 years have gone by so quickly or how we survived when we didn't  even think we could get out of bed that first week.But ,we have.We will continue to do so.I have a legacy to protect .I have a son to talk about.I have pictures-repeatedly posted-as I have none new,to put up.And,I will continue to remember the child who lit up my world and makes me smile for my memories....