Are You Feeling Guilt or Regret?

For me, 2007 was a year of death. My daughter (mother of my twin grandchildren) died from the injuries she received in a car crash, my father-in-law succumbed to pneumonia, my brother had a fatal heart attack, and my former son-in-law died from the injuries he received in another car crash. All of this happened within six months. I was in such shock I could hardly think.

As the years passed, I thought about each family member and my relationship with them. Unfortunately, I had many “How I wish” thoughts. I wished I had complimented my daughter heartily when she received an outstanding job review. I wish I had visited my father-in-law often at the end of his life. I wish my brother and I had gotten along better. I wish my former son-in-law were closer.

But my wishes were for naught. They didn’t help me. They didn’t heal my grief. All they did was rattle around in my head and make me feel worse. Then I came across some startling information—information that may startle you. Guilt and regret, although they are used interchangeably, aren’t the same. In fact, they are very different.

Lisa Bonchek Adama, PhD, an educational psychologist, explains the difference in her website article, “A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs. Regret.” Guilt refers to something you did that you feel you shouldn’t have done because it was wrong or illegal. If your feelings stem from something you had no control over, they are regret, a mistake you made. What a difference!

Knowing this difference comforted me. Like all humans, I’m not perfect, and I’ve made my share of mistakes. I also had a lot of other things going on in my life when my loved ones died, including being my mother’s family caregiver. Looking back now, I realize I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

Yet I have days, times when I least expect it, when guilt rears its ugly head again. You may be feeling guilt too. What can we do about it? The Healing Heart website offers some suggestions in its article, “Guilt . . . If Only . . . What if . . .?” Here are a few suggestions with my comments.

• Admit your guilt. This is a painful thing to do, yet it’s necessary, if you’re going to move forward on the recovery path. Everyone has guilt feelings and you’re not alone.
• Life doesn’t always have answers. In his book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold S. Kushner devotes an entire chapter to the concept, “Sometimes There is No Reason.” This is due to the randomness of the universe, Kushner continues, not that God is cruel. Hard as it is, accept that fact that there may be no reason.
• Seek counseling if guilt is hindering you. Getting help is a courageous decision, not one to be ashamed of, or hide. You recognized a problem and are doing something about it. That’s worthy of applause.

I would add another point and it’s that love lasts forever. Over time, memories of your loved one, and the values they lived by, become part of your soul. Figure out if you’re feeling guilt or regret. Knowing the difference makes all the difference.