Heart so Small

When we think about our hearts, we see this muscle full of blood that resides within our chest. At the loss of someone we love, we wonder how it is that this tiny organ does not burst from our body to lay shatter, with our lives, upon the stone. The pain, so unimaginable, engulfs us, yet our hearts still beat. How is that possible? We can't breath, as though a great weight rests upon us, our eyes see nothing but our loss. Yet our heart still beats as we draw agonizing breath into our laboring lungs. The pain that lances through this broken heart is as real as the heart itself. We cannot see a future, for what future is there when we feel like this.

Our spiritual heart is as big as infinity. Death shrinks it to less then the size of a nano. There is no longer any room left to feel anything but the grief. We are not kind to ourselves as well as others not being kind to us. Lost is the desire to eat, sleep, love. Lost is the desire to live. So many losses in such a short amount of time. Grief is still such a small word for what has happened to us. Why were we given this capability to feel this deeply? What purpose does it serve? Life goals have changed. The very meaning, or what we thought was the meaning of our existence, has changed. Things that were important, are important no more. The small things have become greater than the larger ones. How do we bring the largeness back to our hearts?

When Tim died, my heart became smaller then the tip of a needle. It did not just shatter, it became mist in the wind, dissipating within the clouds. I could not call it back or grasp onto the pieces. My son was dead. It was not just the moment of his death that twisted my soul so completely, but all the horror that was to come. If our hearts could only go through just death, maybe it would not keep such a grip on us. But it does not. There are the days, weeks, months and years after our loss. There is the cruelty of the world, as though we did not beat ourselves up enough. We have to deal every day with the aftermath. A tsunami has passed though us and left total destruction behind. When it receded, pieces were missing, never to be seen again.

Fear of more loss can keep the heart small. We withdraw from those living that we still love for fear of losing them too. We withdraw from the world, fearing its cruelty will hurt us more. Have you become slightly agoraphobic? I have. Does the dark of night bring on panic? Does the look on someones face tell you more then their words? Does food smell and taste different? The books and movies you once liked now bring on sadness. Songs wring your already aching heart. By the Creator, we do not just grieve, we are destroyed. We cannot go back to what once was, who we once were, the path is forever blocked, the stones unmovable. How do we live again, get our spirit heart to beat largely?

Rome was not built in a day, neither were our former lives. We once had to learn how to make our hearts open, now we have to learn it again, in a new way. The direction of my compassion has changed as surely as I have. There was a time, before, that others upset over their jobs, love-lives, quarrels, would bring out my compassion for their situation. Now it does not and it leaves them angry with me. They call me cold-hearted, uncaring. They cannot believe or have any concept that death changed me. That my footing is no longer sure and I have to travel a new path. My compassion is for those who have suffered loss, for children in pain, for injustices. I find a petty quarrel just that, petty. My heart is not cold and it is not as small as it was in the early days, it is changed.

I do know this, it is very simple. Those who suffer this sorrow are not small in heart. The heart has frozen at a place in time and is slowly thawing out. It is not empty, for those you love still reside there. It is not lost for you have sorrow for others loss. Your heart hurts and is broken, but still it beats. Some pieces are coming back together, just not to the place where they once were. Your capacity to love is still greater than the Universe, it needs time to adjust. We have learned the harsh realities of life and death. As you walk your path, many will be beside you. Not always the same ones for it changes as the tide, but your sympathy, empathy, compassion will help many along the way. But first, we have to find ourselves, help ourselves. See our hearts, not so small.