Grief is not a choice

We are so often confused by all the advise out there. The cliches, old and new. "Let go of your grief so your loved one can be at peace", "it was meant to be" "he/she cannot contact you or send yoiu signs because your are too caught up in your grief and pain" "you have to live for them now" "it is not good to not go out" "you shouldnt cry so much". "God is testing you" "happiness is a choice"... the list is endless.  My thoughts on all these added expectations and pressures:

Unfortunately not all circumstances can be attributed to choice or a
consequence of our decisions. A positive outlook does not release you of pain.

Not all of us will receive "signs" from our loved ones. Just like not everybody has vivid dreams in life.  It most certainly is not an indication of whether or not you are grieving too much.  To suggest that adds yet more of a burden on those who have not seen so-called 'signs'.  That is not a surmise - it has been my experience and I see it a lot.  I know one such mother personally who sees herself as a failure and is devastated by the popularized notion that her grief is blocking communication from her son. It is simply something that is not in our control.  It happens or it doesn't - that is in God's hands too.

We are all individuals, our circumstances are different, our relationships are different as is the resultant level and depth and length of grief we experience. Whilst there are undeniable similarities – it is as unique as our fingerprints. E.g. the take on not being there when a loved one passed is "because we were not meant to see them that way” cannot apply across the board. My beloved soulmate was the centre of my universe and I loved him beyond what I can articulate. I am the one who found his body under very traumatic and unpleasant circumstances. It would have been traumatic for anyone to have come across a scene like that, but this was the love of my life, my fiancé and husband-to-be. If I were to buy into that philosophy, I would then conclude that I was “meant” to see him that way! I do not believe that for a
milli-second. In some things in life there just is no reasonable explanation or logic. Some things we just have to accept. Not everything can be explained or reasoned
away as “meant to be” or even a test to pass or fail. To quote Forest Gump: “shit happens”. We do not hold all of life (and certainly death) in our hands. Not everything is a consequence of our choices either. Yes, we can choose our attitudes and
certainly bad choices result in bad consequences, but it is not all-encompassing. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. Conversely, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people…that is life.

We do not choose to grieve or “wallow”. Yes, they now exist in pure love and joy with Christ, free from the bonds of this life; absolutely YES, they watch over us and want to see us be happy. But we hurt and grieve, we cry and long for them because they are no longer with us in the physical. We miss their tangible presence. When they
are taken your love does not stop. You are still in love, your love continues to grow daily, but the object of your affection is gone from our presence. We
can talk to them, write to them and remember the good times, but we cannot see
them, touch them, hug or kiss them. We have no outlet for the love that still resides and continues to grow in our hearts. And that hurts. No resolve to be
positive can change that. We grieve and hurt this much because we love so much. 
Even recalling the lives they lived and the joy and love they brought
can bring on the sting of tears as we realize what we have lost and will never
have again with them on earth. The future plans and dreams now shattered. 
For some of us, like me, precious little time was shared and no new
memories can be created with them. That in itself carries a searing pain.

Yes, we should try our best to carry on with our lives. Get out, take resolve to
make them proud. There are days when we feel stronger and we can do these things and make them proud and be proud of our own progress, but the next day an unexpected wave of grief and sense of loss may hit and we feel utterly depleted - weak. I believe at times like these you should listen to your soul. Take the
time out and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the “luxury” to grieve in whichever way suits you. Be it crying and sobbing uncontrollably to purge the pain or withdrawing for a while in quiet reflection and politely dismissing the expectations of those around you while you regain your emotional strength to face another day. You should never, ever feel quilty for feeling and acknowledging your pain. Certainly you have not failed them or yourself. You are human. You grieve because you loved. 

Smiles and victories will be there. Beautiful memories recalled with fondness, but lurking in the same heart that holds joy in memory, strength and resolve, there now resides pain, loss, loneliness and sometimes a seemingly limitless supply of fresh tears. They co-exist and take turns in surfacing unheeded and often so out of our control.

The best thing you can do for yourself is ride out the waves that come – whatever they are. Experience them guilt-free. Don’t view them as a test to be passed or failed. You now have a new appreciation for the things that really matter in life. Relationships and people. The resulting empathy and compassion you have acquired will make it possible for you to help others on the same path. Your own experiences and wisdom gained can help those new on the path. Right there is your new purpose in life. That above all is what you should strive for. To use your pain to uplift and share with others who are seeking the answers. To help them realize they are not alone, that whatever they feel is ok. We can light their path to make it easier to follow – and forgive themselves.

Whatever the circumstances God is with us in it and wanting to love us through it. 
He does not condemn us and give us a pass or fail mark in grief. He loves us through it all and we need to practice some self-love too.

Its ok to grieve…its ok to cry…its ok to smile and have fun. All those emotions live inside you now, that is the nature of the new life, the new you. 
It’s even ok to do both on one day! To try to separate the two will result in more pain. Just be you and do what is right for you without bowing to unreasonable expectations.