Sorrow's Footprints

There is a wish among us, one that can be granted. I wish those who have not entered this journey would educate themselves, just a little, in understanding the path we have been forced to take. Sadly, many will not notice this road until they themselves set their feet on its clay. It is then they will look back and see the folly of their words, the misconceived ideas of what grief is. So many have written these same words hoping somehow, someway they reach those who have never grieved. Words are written in the hope of saving another the sorrow they have gone through from the uninformed. I write them again with the thought that one of us will get through. One of us will be heard. See our footprints of sorrow.

In the early days, many of us will be surrounded by well meaning people. It only lasts for a short time, a very short time. They come in a swarm and leave just as quickly all at once. Our grief lasts for a life time, their good intentions last for only a moment. We get it, we understand our grief is hard for others to see. But it is later, after the shock wears off a little, after they have gone to their homes, we need them the most. A few will come back, most won't. They tell themselves they are giving us time to grieve. Our true grief does not start right away. The true grief starts when the crowd goes away. When we are alone and the darkness once again holds monsters. We won't always need that gentle hug. We do not intend that others walk that road with us, day after day. All we want is a gentle word, to hear their name, to share a memory, to be reassured our lost one was as loved by others as they were by us.

It is human nature to try and fix what is broken. It is hard for others to sit silent while we hurt, but their intentions and words can actually hurt more than silence. To sit silently beside us willing to give a shoulder to cry on is worth it's weight in gold. We know you cannot understand our pain unless you have felt our pain, no words are needed. Some mean well and we know this, but where we are at does not accept empty words. Yes, we will get offended at what we feel are the wrong words. Give us a break, we cannot help the emotions that burn through our hearts. We will be in this state of being for a long time. Not a week or month or year, but for however long it takes even if that is forever.

Don't tell us you are waiting for the old us to come back. That is not going to happen. This is us, who we are, who we will be and we will go through more changes. If you cannot accept who we are it is okay to leave but at least tell us you are going instead of dumping us in the dirt. If you think we are being mean to you, try to understand we don't see it that way. We are not trying to be mean, we are trying to learn to live again. We are trying to learn who we are. We may seem selfish but it is a time we have to protect ourselves against more pain. If you are the bringer of that pain you may not have a place in our lives anymore.

There are so many things not to say to the grief stricken you may find it is more than you want to be bothered with. Yeah, we get that too. Remember, we were once you. Don't say they are in a better place, had a long life, or any of the things you heard should be said, those things are wrong. Just say you are sorry for our loss. If you want to talk about our lost one, by all means do so, we love to hear about them. We will probably cry, that does not say you made us sadder, we are already there. We do not expect you to get what is going on with us. We just want you to allow yourself to accept that we are going through a lot and leave it at that. Don't try to fix us, we are not fixable. Don't kick us when we are down, unless your desire is to have no place in our lives. We cannot take more pain on top of what is heaped on us. Know that we will see our pain and sorrow as greater than yours. It does not mean it is, it means that is how we see it. Don't try to force us to do or be what you think is right, we do not agree with that. We have to do it our way.

Look at our footprints of sorrow. They travel a different path then the non-grieved do. The traces they leave are not of one walking but of many. If you do not have it in you to be kind then at least try not to be cruel, these may be your footprints someday. We do not want or usually know if we hurt you. We live in a world of confusion and loss. From a 'Forever Mom.'