Seven Healing Questions To Ask Yourself When Mourning

When coping with the death of a loved the most important factor in finding peace is how you communicate with yourself. Why? Because coping with the massive changes involved when a loved one dies has little to do with what happens on the outside but everything to do with our commitment to adapt to the new circumstances we face. That is an inside job.

The way we give meaning to loss and relate to it changes our perceptions and how we see our new world without the physical presence of the beloved.

In short, if we work on our inner life and realize we have great power within, then it is possible to overcome any obstacle. This journey can be accomplished by addressing seven key questions.

1. What do I want? Arguably, this is the number one question we all have to ask ourselves periodically throughout life for one simple reason: it helps us create goals and evaluate our values. Without clearly written goals, which we use as a reminder, we are at the mercy of time, forgetfulness, and the influence of others.

In coming up with your answers to this question, consider if you are choosing to be defined by your loss or are working toward adjusting to the circumstances of your new life. Here is where the wisdom of your imagination and intuition can serve you well.

2. What are my limiting beliefs? There is no such thing as a problem-free life. However, limiting beliefs are often formed based on thinking why this great loss had to happen to me. Thus, the result is the formation of damaging beliefs like, "I have no future." "I will always be lonely." "I'm getting what I deserve." And the list can go on and on. Identify such beliefs, change them, and your behavior will change. What to replace them with follows.

3. What beliefs will help me cope with my loss? Here are three that others have used which strengthen the inner life.

(A) The road to coping well is always under construction. This means there is much trial and error learning as we struggle with our loss and often have to take new roads or try out new ideas. There is no time limit on this process.

(B) I create my own reality by thoughts and actions. You can choose to create a positive or a negative reality through what you consciously allow into your thought life and what you kick out. In any event, you are always creating one or the other.

(C) You supply great power to whatever you focus attention on. The implication here is to find reminders and the right people to keep you focused on the mindset that brings peace and relief. Develop verbal, printed, and visual reminders to help you switch off the negative when it begins to predominate.

4. How can I be helpful to others? The answer to this question can set your inner life on a course that brings great satisfaction, eases pain, and elevates self-esteem. And it will take the focus off the self by assisting in the journey of reinvesting in life. The world is full of people who need your presence and caring and that same presence and caring will come back into your grief work from others.

5. How can I build life-long connections? Connections heal. The degree we are connected to our interests, people in our lives, and are willing to be open to ongoing learning and mystery in the world is an index to how well we will adjust to major change. Since change is inevitable so too must be our willingness to pursue the challenges that are continuous. The wider your scope of connectedness the greater your possibility of weathering any storm that life throws at you. Give this question a high priority in the strategies you develop.

6. How many times have I said "I love you?" I have often said that the choice to love without expectation of return is a major force in successful coping. That love begins with the self and recognizing the mystery and power within that makes you the one and only you on the planet. You are special. You possess abilities to show caring and concern by your presence alone, without uttering a single word.

Recognize that every person needs to know they are loved. To express your love in words and deeds to the self, the deceased, and those who are close to you feeds your soul. Look for the appropriate time to write or say "I love you" to your loved one (you will always have a relationship with the deceased), your Higher Power, and those who are in your family and social circle.

7. What is my mission now? No one truly enjoys their life without the sense that they are making a contribution. Take the time to examine options for creating or continuing on with a purpose or mission you previously have embraced. If you have none, consider who, where, or what you will devote your time and energy to in honoring your loved one. How will you keep his/her memory alive? Or perhaps carving a new way of using your talents, adding to them, or enhancing the health and spirit of yourself and others will provide new ideas for a mission.

These seven strategies take concentrated thought and desire to grow through loss. Decide now on the thoughts and behaviors you will begin developing to adapt to this major change in life.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace:101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.