Emotional Transformations: Dealing With The Death Of A Loved One

Since dealing with the death of my father after becoming his caregiver, I've had to make some adjustments. Even though I could not not wait to get back to my normal life as it was, there's been some differences in my emotions that I have not before experienced. For the first time in my life, I've been losing focus. What I mean by that is not caring as much if my workspace and other spaces are neat and the sense of pride that went with it. I've also lost some of the excitement I used to experience when going to the movies, and even reading a great book is not as good as it's been and reading was (and still is to a certain extent) a great passion of mine. At first it bothered me and I kept asking myself, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I get back into my old groove?"

After feeling this way for a few weeks, I decided to look at this in a positive way and asked myself, "What's right about this?" It's like my brain is telling me that there are other things to be aware of and it's okay to change your emotions and feelings about things, as long as you can follow your intuition and share with loved ones who can lend some perspective and who are open to this type of discussion. Once I figured this out, it became easier for me to analyze the changes and how they affected me.

Okay, so I'm not as organized as I was, I can make the decision to keep my phone at home if Ralph and I are going out, and I've been giving myself enough time to slowly get to my destination so I can enjoy the beauty of Maine in the fall. My emotions have slowed down and I think it has a lot to do with the last year of being a caregiver for my dad before he passed. The experiences gained during this precious time were priceless and I understand what folks were talking about when they said, "You will always remember this experience and will be very glad that you did it and it will change you for life!" That statement is very true! These experiences included getting closer to family members, making new friends, getting to see old friends often, and meeting the most wonderful people on the face of the earth - the caregivers (or angels as I call them) of the sick and dying. It wasn't just the people, however. It was also the learning and growing and executing of the many things that had to be done. During this time, I understood the meaning of the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff!"

As I write this article and look around at my desk full of papers that can easily be filed or organized away, there's an emotion that is keeping me from stressing out and that emotion is acceptance. I can accept that the work will always be here and it will only take an hour or two to get organized, so why stress about it - I'll get to it when I can. I used to feel guilty when things didn't get done or I took some time to be with my family during working hours.  I now know what a waste of precious time it was to stress or even feel guilty.

Instead of feeling guilty or stressed, I can truly say that I'm transforming emotionally. I'm alright with leaving my smart phone at home to enjoy each moment with my family. So far, I haven't hurt anyone or missed anything important that needed to be done. How amazing is that? There's a big dose of balance in my life right now and remembering to listen to my intuition has helped me a lot. I believe that we all have something in us (whether it is a sixth sense or intuition) and sometimes we experience enough life to listen to it or feel it emotionally.

As I think about what I've experienced, there's a list of learned lessons that I'd like to share with you:

Define what's important in your life, first with yourself, and then share with a loved one or two because it tends to become even more clear to you when you have that conversation and they may appreciate your thoughts about it and perhaps model this process for themselves.

Make the time you need to catch up with or visit friends and loved ones as much as possible, if it suits your personality. If not, perhaps one close friend or mentor will do.  Most people find that having deep conversations with friends or loved ones is therapeutic.

If you find yourself working more than relaxing or spending time with family and friends, assess what can be done about it and schedule in some off-work time to gain some perspective or plan some physical activities or find some fun stuff to do.

Perhaps waking up every morning with a question:  What is the best thing I can do today that will be productive, fun, or do me and/or others some good?  Doing Yoga exercises first thing in the morning helps also.

If you get stressed over an abundance of workload or being pulled in different directions to work, visit, or do things around the house, simply stop and assess what's the most important thing to do.  Communicating with people and letting them know the truth about your schedule usually works out fine as most people understand and they appreciate the honesty.

Lorraine is the co-founder and primary personal coach at Priority Learning. Prior to starting Priority Learning with Ralph she served 30 years in the food industry and as a pension consultant to businesses large and small. Lorraine brings valued leadership and administration skills and is recognized as a personal organization/efficiency expert. The driving force in Lorraine's approach to business is her love of coaching others and seeing the change that others create in their business and personal lives. In addition to Lorraine's role as a coach and leader she is Priority Learning's primary researcher spending much of her time looking for the best new ideas for our clients.

Lorraine Twombly
Organizational Development

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