Words Fail Me

One of the huge struggles in this grief is the ability to explain it. Each time I try, I flounder. For so long I have been saying that if you have not lost a child, you will not understand it. The word 'understand' is the wrong one. So many actually do understand. So maybe it is more in the knowing? You understand grief, but do not know the depth of each persons sorrow. I have lost so many in different settings. Mother, Father, grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, friends. I have not lost a spouse or sibling so though I understand the grief, I do not know the depth. Does that make sense? I cannot say mine is worse, only that it is worse for me personally. Feeling the loss, the loss of my son hit me harder than any that have come before and know that if I lost my daughter, it would be just as devastating for now I know the loss of a child.

Even though my husband knows this loss as well as I, neither one of us can explain it to the other except to say, 'Yes, I understand.' I never realized that grief could do this. All we have to do is look at each other and we know our grief, but we cannot put into words the vastness of that grief. So when I say words don't help, what I am really saying is that no words have ever been invented or expressed that can explain this. This is why, when loss occurs, it is the hug, the hand-holding, the presence of someone that matters. It is the 'I love you,' or the 'tell me about them' that makes an impact. It is the one who listens without words that hold our attention. The most normal thing for anyone is to try and find the words that will help without realizing that words have no impact. Even knowing this, the words, 'I am sorry for your loss,' will come out of my mouth. We are sorry for each others loss, more than we can say.

Every time one of my friends contact me, I want to be beside them to hold their hand, nod my head and listen. Oh how I want to just listen and know their lost one through their eyes and heart. All loss, to us, is a horrible thing. I think it is because of the mysterys of death. No matter what you believe, what your faith is, death is still a mystery. Many will find comfort of sorts in their belief. That is a good thing, anything that can bring some comfort or a moments ease. It does not change the fact of their absence. I would never tell grieving people where they should place their faith or what their faith should be,  for as in grief, that is personal. As each one finds something that helps them, I rejoice with them. We all need something to give us hope even though that hope will not bring the lost back to us.

I do not look for what good will come from this for it is my son who is gone. Maybe one day, it will present it self to me and I can only hope that I am grateful. The one thing that hits me daily is that I had him for a while, that I knew his kindness as well as his love. Most who knew him came away with more than they had before they knew him. What did he leave behind for others to learn from? Only they will know that. Tim was not perfect, no one is. He was perfect for my world, my life and to me, that is what matters. I know him from a moms view. Others know him different. Isn't that how life is? There are those who say I am kind and those who despise me. I can live with that for that is what being human is, something different to everyone. That is what Tim is. So when I say how great and wonderful he is, that is what he is to me.

For so long after Tim's death, I have looked at the future spinning out before me, empty. To conceive that it would be my life now without him anywhere in the world. It brought home what 'live in the moment' means. I could die now, or not for many years. Grief can hold us spell bound, unable to move. The fear of the years ahead, the fear of losing others. In the big scope of things, living another hundred years would still be just a tiny drop in the bucket of time. Even though it is hard to drag my mind away, I am learning to live in the moment. I am learning to incorporate grief into my life so it does not rule my every waking thought. It is there, but it does not have to cloud everything. Our future is not empty, we just don't know whats in it. More mystery to contemplate.

Words may fail me, but yet there are so many that do know what I am trying to say. I will continue trying to say it because maybe one day, I will accidentally run across the right words. I want to say that your pain is validated. Whoever you have lost is important. You are important. 'Forever Mom.'