Being Really Freaking Brave

Yesterday I did something that was a little bit brave. Actually it wasn't a little bit brave it was huge big freaking deal brave.  I met with a guy who is here in Thailand who has traveled here from the states planning to confront his father who killed his mother when he was just 7 years old.  His father did jail time and was then sent back to Thailand. 

We met on a violent crime group that we are both in.  He is filming a documentary.  
I was nervous and didn't really know what to expect. There was something so much greater then myself that told me I had to go.

When I arrived the film crew was waiting.  I told my friend about confronting the man that murdered my father. I told him how my leg shook when I spoke my truth. 
I told him that it was the single most empowering thing I have ever done in my life.  
That confronting my fathers killer helped me take my power back. 

My friends story is not mine to tell. The circumstances are a bit different but the act of confronting someone that murdered your parent is huge. I told him about what I have learned about early childhood trauma, PTSD and the way it changes our DNA. 
How this single event in our lives is our darkest teacher( thank you Cheryl Strayed for teaching me this term).

This pain of the horrific event is a hole that you somehow carry around in the middle of your heart. Yet you are expected to go on living, breathing and existing. My new friend explained how confronting his father was something he felt he had to do. I know because I felt it to. 

In the end I explained to him that getting really clear on what it was that I wanted from my Dad's killer was key.  Did I want my fathers killer to say I'm Sorry?Did I want to know that he thought about what he did over the years?

• Did I want him to pay?
• Did I want to torture him?
• Did I want him to hear me?  
• Did I want to forgive him?

Yes and No I wanted the answers to all of these questions. 

In the end what I really wanted was to quit holding onto the poison that was controlling my life. To let go of the anger and to be able to live free. For me that wasn't about forgiveness but about letting go. It didn't really matter if my fathers killer was sorry. Which he wasn't because he still was convinced that he didn't do it. Even through he admitted he did do it to his brother years ago. 

It didn't matter. 

I have never really met anyone that went through something similar. What I know is at that moment when I was telling him what I learned I found something in myself that felt true, and honest and came from tons of work. I didn't pray it into me.
I didn't give it to God without doing the work. I didn't just magically heal myself because that pain from losing someone you love to murder and gun violence alters your life forever.  

I confronted, I faced my biggest fear, I did lots of counseling, I went without coffee to afford it. I let my darkest teacher allow me to accept the loss I was given.
I pulled from many things, faith, friends, family, love, hope, courage, my unborn children to be. 

But in the end we all have things in our lives that are huge mother freaking big things. 
We can't measure pain. Meeting with my friend yesterday reminded me that facing those things that scare us and allow us to look our dark teachers in the eye and let go, is perhaps one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves. For our healing. 
The only way through it is in it. 

Sometimes it feels scary, and too big but confronting the thing that keeps us stuck sets us free. In the end I only hope I offered hope, and a message of,"your doing it right". 
When we finished the film crew said to me," I hope you speak, I hope you talk about this on a big level"

As I drove alway I thought to myself.  

I just did.

I know my worth, I know what I am made of and I know that doing the work it takes to heal your life is the most profound powerful step you can take towards self love. I also know that surviving this is so much bigger then me. It is God and the universe and what ever force you believe that controls way more then we know. 

So here is to finding your worth, confronting you darkest teachers and being really freaking brave. 

P.S I handed him a copy of Brave Enough. He wrote back with one quote that rang true for him. 

Things can't stay the way they were.

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