Thoughts One Year Later

I had read here many times that the second year was the hardest. I am beginning to see why.

The first year after my beloved husband Virgil died I was in shock. My brain would not accept the fact he wasn't coming back home. I kept so busy I couldn't think about it. I redecorated our condo, I travelled to see friends, I took his ashes to the South Pacific where he requested they go and took a 50 day cruise to do it. I spent the first Christmas with my son and grand children.

That first year is over now as is the rush to keep busy. Now the beginning of year two the depression has set in. My body seems to be betraying me and I hurt most of the time.

After spending two years getting in shape and losing over 100 pounds the weight is coming back on and I can no longer physically go to the gym. This adds to the overall depression and makes it so hard to function. I just don't care very much.

Last week I finally got to the point where I could no longer stand the silence of our empty home and adopted a rescue dog. Such a sweetie and she keeps me good company and forces me to get out and walk no matter how much it hurts.

I still cry every day but not in the desperate sobbing hole of grief that originally exsisted for me. It's more a leaking of tears when I am reminded of him by something and that happens all the time. The line of dialog in a favorite movie, the memory of a particular time we did something. After 36 years the memories are deep and they are strong.

I've been able to add a few pictures of the two of us to walls after taking them all down a year ago to repaint. Not most of them; it still hurts too much. Pictures and videos make me cry too hard and too long. I am so tired of tears.

This is the hardest journey I have ever been on. He is not here when I need him the most. And I can't help but think that when it is my turn to join him there will be no one to ease my journey along the way.

I find I am lonely but don't really want to socialize with anyone, I am tired but don't sleep well.

I have joined some social groups but have yet to attend any meetings or get togethers. I just can't seem to find the desire.

I always thought I would be the kind of widow who goes to concerts, movies, theater and such having a great time. Not reality at all. I think about doing all those things and do nothing.

I thank everyone here at The Grief Toolbox; I doubt I could have gotten this far without reading your thoughts, getting your support and having a "safe" place to talk.

I hope the next anniversary it will be easier to just exsist. I want to much to find the joy in life again.