What Not To Say To Grieving Parents

I think that at funeral homes and hospitals there should be pamphlets in the waiting areas and lobbies on what should never be said to a parent who has lost a child, whether it’s an unborn baby, an infant, a toddler, a teen, or an adult child. I have found many articles on this subject online, but I have never seen anything like that in a place where people have actually died.

It really seems like something that should be easy. How hard can it be to give comforting words to someone when they are feeling utterly lost? Well, it isn’t easy, and plenty of people will avoid speaking to grieving parents all together, because they just don‘t know what to say. One wrong phrase could hurt them or make them angry. Just one wrong thing that you think might be helpful, and they will carry that with them for the rest of their life as something ignorant that someone said to them.

As a mother of an eternally 18 year old child who is no longer with us, as well as the mother of a baby that didn’t survive pregnancy, I can tell you that I have heard some things that I wish I never had. I have seen some things that have made me angry. I have that one phrase etched in my memory that an ignorant person said that I will never ever forget.

I will start off with that one. “Everything happens for a reason.” Excuse me? Can you please tell me what reason there could possibly be that my child is no longer here on this earth with his family and friends? I can think of more reasons why he should be here than why he shouldn’t. He has a daughter on the way. He had plenty of people who loved and cared about him. He was young and had a future ahead of him. He had issues to reconcile. He still had things to learn. I just plain want him here. I can go on and on. Clichés of any sort are really not the way to go. Sometimes people just say the first thing they can think of in a time when you don’t really know what to say, and cliché sayings feel okay. Don’t do it. It may feel okay, but in the end it’s going to leave a mark.

Some people try to minimize the death by reminding someone of the good things that they still have. “Well, at least you still have your daughter,” or “you are so blessed that you still have a child at all.” You know what? Yes, I am blessed to still have my daughter. But a parent who is grieving doesn’t need to hear that. Never at any time will my daughter take the place of my son. They are two different people with two different personalities. There is just no way that one person can replace another. Having other children doesn’t make the loss of one child a blessing. Having other children doesn’t make the loss of one child easier to cope with. No matter what, my son will still not be here where I feel he belongs. So please don’t tell me I’m lucky or blessed because of that.

“I know how you feel.” “I know what you’re going through.” People, losing your dog, mother, friend, goldfish does not give you the right to say you know what I am going through. Losing a pet is hard. Pets are like part of the family. Losing a sibling is hard. They have been a part of you for practically forever. Losing a parent is hard, especially when they die young from a disease or unexpectedly. But losing a child is completely different from any of those examples. You know when you get a pet that they will not be with you forever. You learn at some point during childhood that everyone dies someday, so you know that one day you will lose your parents. You expect your children to live beyond you, though. Children are the future and a parent never expects to outlive their child. It feels unnatural to say the least. Unless you have lost your own child, you will never be able to say that you know how a parent feels who has a child that is dead now.

Many people find it comforting to lean on their faith during hard times. Others, not so much. In a world where many religions abound, and where many people do not believe or don’t know what to believe, it’s hard to know what to say. I will tell you now that I am not religious. I do believe in God, but I don’t know in exactly what aspect. I don’t know what happens to us after we die, though many people feel they do. People say, “He’s in a better place now.” Well, that may be true. But when you say that to a non-religious person, it really doesn’t mean much. I don’t want to hear that, because I feel like the better place for him to be is here and alive. People who have complete faith in their God may be okay with that statement, though. If you don’t know a person well enough to have had a religious discussion with them or to know whether they are regular church-goers, you should probably steer clear of religious statements like that.

Continuing with the religious side of things, please don’t tell a parent that God needed their child more than they did. That isn’t comforting in the least. When a parent is grieving, they know that no one could possibly need their child more than they do right now, not even God. When my son passed away, I didn’t want to hear that now I had an angel watching over me from Heaven. I didn’t want to hear how now he has his wings, or any of this. I do think it’s ok to let someone know you’re praying for them. If they are atheist this may mean nothing to them, but it may not be offensive to let them know that you are praying to your God in their name. If you know for a fact that they are atheist, though, it might be better just to let them know that they are in your thoughts.

Never under any circumstances tell a parent that it is their fault their child is dead. This is such a hateful thing to do. I can guarantee you that no matter how a child dies a parent feels guilt-ridden enough. No matter how a parent may have had absolutely nothing to do with their child’s death, they will find ways to lay blame upon themselves. If only I had done this… If only I hadn’t done that… He could still be here if only… It is never ever your place to judge someone like that. That is the last thing a person needs to hear when they are learning to cope with their new life without their child. It is just an ugly thing to say.

When a person miscarries or gives birth to a stillborn, please never tell them “Well at least you can try again.” Yes, they can try again, but that will not replace this baby. A person needs to grieve one loss before they can even begin to think about becoming pregnant again. And again, if they already have other children, now is not the time to remind them of how lucky they are that they still have them. A person who miscarries isn’t feeling very lucky at all.

“Stay strong.” Don’t tell someone how to feel. Everyone deals with their grief in their own way. It is okay to be weak. It is okay to need to lean on your friends and family. It is okay to cry, yell, or do what ever makes you feel a little relief. Why should anyone who lost a child be strong? Why should anyone who has lost a child have to pretend that they don’t hurt? For your comfort?

Another thing to avoid saying is, “If you need anything just give me a call.” This isn’t an offensive thing to say, but it will fall on deaf ears more often than not. Don’t ask if they need something, just do something. Bring them something to eat. Give them a hug. Send them a card. Don’t wait for them to call you. It won’t happen.

Sometimes people try not to hurt grieving parents by avoiding the subject of their child altogether. I’m sure some people feel differently from me, but I need to talk about my son. I don’t want him forgotten. He is still a part of me, and I talked about him every day before he died, so why should that be different now? Please don’t avoid talking to parents about their child. Yes, it may be emotional, but parents need to know that you haven’t forgotten. Parents sometimes need to be able to voice the things that they bottle inside about their loss. And, if you just plain avoid them so you don’t have to give condolences, the parents are likely to think that you just don’t care. There is one person in my life who never said a word about it to me or acknowledged that my son ever passed away. I will never forget that.

No matter how much time has passed, whether a few weeks, months, or even years, never tell someone that they should be over it by now. That is not your decision to make. Parents never get over losing their most precious gift. Before our children are even born we dream of what their future may be. We start imagining who they will become, and what kind of person they will end up as. With death we not only lose a beautiful piece of our lives, but our dreams are crushed as well. A hole is ripped through our soul that will never be repaired. We will never be over it- not ever! We learn how to cope. We learn to get by. We learn to live with an unimaginable emptiness. Telling someone to get over it is insensitive to their feelings. You may be over it, but it wasn’t your child.

Lastly, while it is good to be supportive of the mother who lost her child, no matter the age or whether he or she was born, it is important to remember the other grieving family. Dad’s feel loss, too. Just because they are men doesn’t make them any less heartbroken. Men may look strong, but they need to be cared after, too. And when there are step-families involved, no one should ever forget the step-mother or step-father, either. Every parent is important and had their own relationship with that child. They may need grief counseling as much as the mother does. Do not forget all parents hurt from the tragic loss of a child.

Leslie Evans