NOT BELONGING ANYMORE

Hi, my name is Linda. Everyone calls me Linda, because...that’s my name! My parents never shortened it, neither did my sister. At school, none of my teachers shortened it. It became my professional name because none of my colleagues used nicknames at work.

But to my late husband, I was always “Lin”. Whenever I use that nickname--and I use it quite a bit now--I can hear his voice. Mostly, it comforts me.

This morning it brought me to tears.

I was making my morning coffee. Same as every day. But I heard him calling me, using our special name. The tears started flowing and I’m pretty sure you know why. When he was alive, we belonged together. I belonged to him. He belonged to me.

And now, I belong to no one. Grieving for a loved one (my husband) has taken a toll on my body and my personality. I am, in many ways, so much stronger now. I face each day with determination that today will be a positive day in which I will try to spread love to others in my family, as much as I can. I will try to connect with my online community and show them how much I care for them and how much I really understand what they are going through. And then today happened to remind me really just how alone I have become.

The ‘not belonging’ aspect of my life has determined a path that is usually not unhappy. There are surprising moments of grief so piercing that I am doubled over in tears, barely able to catch a breath. I HATE WHEN that happens away from my home, my identity-castle. Outside of home, I belong nowhere anymore.

Every other place where non-grieving people tend to belong just has no appeal for me. Clubs, sports, restaurants, family gatherings, or work social events are just so boring that I feel stifled beyond measure. (In truth, they are not boring: I am the boring one.) The only time that I feel like I am still the old “me” is when I am alone with my memories of belonging to someone who was just so right for me. My memories also span places and groups that I used to enjoy belonging with and belonging to.

That sense of belonging. It just can’t be understated or ignored. I never thought of it as such a pivotal component of Love. I just took it for granted. Now I am filled with gratitude that it was mine for fifteen amazing years.

The vibrations of Love and belonging just cannot be separated. Lose one; lose the other.

Linda Knappett

author, Love Beyond Stars