Triggers

It wasn't until recently that I truly recognized "triggers" in my daily life.....things, events, words, smells , songs, memories....that initiate feelings and reactions in me.  These triggers are without warning and virtually impossible to predict or control.

Last week while talking to a stranger about Christmas and the money strains on so many of us at this time of year; without even thinking I responded with "oh I know I buy gifts for 4 kids...money is definitely tight."  It took a few seconds for it to hit me and to realize no, I don't have 4 kids that I buy for anymore...and from there the chain reaction started. Memories and thoughts flooded over me and my walls went up. I feel sorry for anyone that is around me when these triggers occur because containing my emotions and often times my frustration and anger is virtually impossible. I sat there thinking....and just like that my world stopped. I started to retreat into myself and could feel my heart racing. Images from the previous year filled my head and all I could think about was the morning of November 4, 2012. I thought about the calls I had to make.....to Skylar's dad.....having to tell him on the phone that our baby was gone....to Sky's boyfriend, who I know couldn't even comprehend what I was telling him so early on a Sunday morning....to my precious Lexy, trying not to lose my mind while I told her that her sister, her best friend and her surrogate "big sis" were all gone.....and to my precious baby Ashton...telling a 9 year old that his sister is now with Jesus. (not to leave Caden out, he unfortunately heard all of this from the top step, as he heard the knock at the door that fateful morning) All from this one trigger.....the emotions were drowning me....my own sorrow suffocating me.

I am certain that many of you reading this have triggers of your own.....and for that my heart breaks for you. More times than not, I am so overwhelmed with this excruciating never-ending pain that I truly become discouraged. Any pain or heart-break that I have ever experienced in life has had a light at the end of the tunnel...even if it was a small and weak light...it was there and I could count on it to become brighter and brighter and for the pain to become less and less. When faced with the death of a child there is no ending....until death for me itself; some days that is a hard pill to swallow. 20 years could pass and many of you may think the pain lessons for us.....I feel like each day I actually miss her more and more, as if that is even possible.  I pray this holiday season that God holds all of us grieving mothers (and fathers, grandparents, siblings etc) just a little tighter and brings a peace over us that is unfathomable to our broken hearts.

I love you Skylar and I'm working hard to make you proud...... love mommy.