Platitudes and Mis-Quoted Scripture vs Reality: What is Really Helpful?

Let me make it very clear upfront that I am a Bible believing, God-fearing and God serving woman.  It can be no other way and I will never waiver from my faith, but some people do so much damage by offering "simple" platitudes that can inflict guilt, pain and feelings of failure to many going through terrible grief and suffering.

1 Cor 10:13.  “No temptation has seized you that isn’t common for people. But God is faithful. He won’t allow you to be tempted beyond your abilities. Instead, with the temptation, God will also supply a way out so that you will be able to endure it.”

I have been having a very hard time with that scripture repeatedly quoted to me these past months in my grief and feeling like a failure as a christian because I feel like I am not strong enough.

Throughout scripture, we encounter people overwhelmed by what befalls them.  It applied to Jesus, too, who died in agony on the cross, crying out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken (left) me?”

There are all kinds of things that happen that we cannot bear.  For me it has been a number of things over many years, but the worst and most devastating, the thing that has finally crushed me is the death of my partner. The annihilation of my earthly happiness so newly found, barely birthed before it was gone.   Sometimes our lives come crashing down around us in a cataclysmic fashion that defies understanding.  If God never gives us more than we can bear, and I am being crushed, then what is wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong?  Why isn’t God helping me?

Well-meaning Christians use “sentimental Christianity quotes” made up of trite platitudes that are designed to make people feel better because they don’t know what else to say.  While long on optimism it falls short on the ability to confront the real brokenness of people.

The world recently celebrated the 70 year anniversary of the redemption of Auschwitz. Could you imagine saying to an inmate at Auschwitz, “Don’t worry; God never gives you more than you can bear!”? Or someone overwhelmed by grief and loss of all that mattered to them?  Or someone who through no fault of their own is crushed by depression, anxiety, or other afflictions?  Sentimental Christianity is entirely useless in these circumstances.  And if all we’re prepared to say is “God never gives us more than you can bear” then in situations where such a platitude is clearly false, there is seemingly nothing left to say.

How many people are suffering great burdens and then on top of that, suffering because they’re suffering?  What cruelty to tell us that we should be able to bear all our problems, else God would not have given them to us and then to realize we are outmatched, that we cannot bear what has come our way.

The only conclusion we come to is that we are bad Christians, or bad people, or lack proper faith.  Ultimately, in the minds of the faithful, if they’re suffering what has come upon them then it’s their fault.  They have screwed up, because God would certainly never allow this kind of burden to fall on someone who couldn’t bear it.  So the failure to do so must be their own.

The problem with this often quoted scripture is that the focus is in the wrong place. We should have confidence in God and not in ourselves and our own abilities.  Yes, I am enduring more than I can bear!!!  Our trials and sufferings are not a measure of how much we can bear.  We may often encounter sufferings that are very much more than we can handle. Sufferings are not something apart from God. They are not tests sent by God to us, but rather places in which we encounter God.  We encounter a God who stands with us in the suffering.  A God who is not apart from that burden and pain, but one who is in it with us.

Our faithfulness is not demonstrated by how easily we are able to bear the burdens that come our way.  Our faith is demonstrated by our recognition that we cannot bear the burdens ourselves and trust in the grace of God who bears them with us.

True Christianity should be a place where you can come and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear” and instead of being judged for having a weak faith, you are surrounded by a network of love and support that will bear that burden with you.  People who bear your burdens with you without judgement is more healing that (mis)quoting trite “fix all” scripture and patting yourself on the back that you have imparted wisdom therefor your job is done.

Faith is not some kind of contest of worthiness.  It is not a simple system of incentives and rewards, of challenges and payoffs.  It is a lifelong journey of facing the struggles of the world with hope.  But that kind of faith cannot thrive in a context where you’re told that your faith is judged based on what you’re able to do.  Down that path lies self-doubt, loss of faith, and pain upon pain.  Down that road comes not simply the suffering of the loss, but the suffering for the fact that we’re suffering in the first place. 

Having said that, I have not arrived at being able to handle what I am going through.  And I suspect I may not in this world.  I have wonderful support from loving parents, a sister and my precious son. I have made great online friends who suffer alongside me in this grief – they are my go-to late at night when I cannot sleep. They KNOW. Family and friends love and do their best, but only those who have suffered a similar loss truly relate.  God is with me every step of the way (you don’t have to remind me) and will not let me go as I will not let Him go, but some earthly realities and tragedies are here to stay and be borne until God mercifully takes us home.  God redeems what He allows. I have come to accept that I may not experience the redemption here on earth, it may only come once I’m face-to-face with Him. 

In the meantime, please don’t expect me to suck it up and be able to bear the utter devastation that I feel and live every day.  I will only have gotten through this when I meet God and my beloved in heaven.