Another Year


How I wish I could write about something else, but he is always on my mind. I watch everyone grow older and he will be forever 34. It seems impossible that this is going into the 7th year of grief and loss. People think I should have gotten past Tim's death by now. Only one who has lost a child knows the impossibility of such a thing. We have moments that say they just left this earth only a moment ago and then there are moments that feel like they have been gone forever. I look forward to the moments when I don't think at all. Those moments when there is nothing on my mind. It doesn't happen often enough.

I miss Tim so terribly much that the ache of loss is just a part of me now. I miss the laughter and off-colored jokes he would tell. I miss his love and hugs. I miss his joy. I miss all the things that made him who he was and oh how it hurts. It hurts deeply to miss these things. Sometimes I can hear his voice saying, "I love you, mom." It is a short-lived joy to hear that, so short, but still joy. Yeah, we can have sorrow and joy walking side by side in our new lives. Even after all these years this life still feels new. Even my love and feelings for others has changed. The love I have for my daughter and grandsons became more intense and that can hurt in its own way sometimes.

I do not sit and watch the years roll by, I feel it in every fiber of my being. I am getting older and one day, in the not too distant future, it will be my turn. I am not afraid because I know he will be there, waiting for me. I will hate to leave the ones I love behind but that is the way life and death are. It never ends, does it? Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. That's okay though, it's just a fleeting feeling anyway.


My grandson bought me a dog, Roc. He is my support dog and he does a really good job. When I feel sad, Roc comes to the rescue. I strongly suggest that anyone who has chronic or clinical depression get themselves a support animal. It may sound stupid but they really do help. Unconditional love. I named him Roc, his full name is Dwayne "The Roc," Mason. It makes me laugh to have named him after Dwayne Johnson but it seems to fit him. He is my light in the darkness. I love and miss my son so much, but each day that takes me away from the last time I saw him also brings me closer to the day I will see him again.

This Coronavires keeps us all in our own little bubbles. Remember there is a telephone, the internet and what other devices you have to call or write someone you know is hurting and let them know someone is thinking of them. It's hard being homebound even though I was already going in that direction. Chemo has left me with health problems that are unexpected. Now enough whining on my part. I need you to know, someone is thinking of you. Someone cares. Someone understands the pain you are going through. I send you all my love, "Forever Mom."


About the Author

 My son, Tim, passed on January 5th 2014 at the age of 34. He chose to end his life. So many things happened to bring him to that point. Believe it or not, I understand why. No matter how our child died, that is the keyword 'our child.' I wish you all gentle days and nights as you walk your path. Barbara, 'Forever Mom.'