This time of the year is always hard on someone who has lost a loved one. I am learning to block the pain when it comes to holidays, fathers day, mothers day, etc, but the closer it gets to Tim’s death day, I can no longer ignore the hurt and sorrow. It starts around Thanksgiving and gets stronger until Jan. 5th and that day is his loss day. By then, the grief is so strong I just want to bang my head against the wall just to find forgetfulness for a little while. We can’t forget, it is there, on our hearts to wear every minute of everyday. Will it last forever? This hurt, this sorrow, this grief? For some of us it will. For others, their pain may ease and fond memories take the place of most of the pain. I feel that mine will last until my last breath. That’s just the way it is when you lose a child.
Tim was not perfect, he had his faults just like everyone else, but he also had a funny smile and loved to help people. He was not perfect, no, but he was perfect to me. How does one forget such a person? Sometimes I feel that I am the only one who remembers him and then I look at reality. His step-dad misses him as though he were his own, his sister misses him terribly, though she tries hard not to let people see. His friends see an empty place where he once was. Yet the world still goes on, the pain survives.
I am to the point that I don’t like leaving my house. I have panic attacks when I have to travel anywhere. I am afraid of the world outside my door. Am I agoraphobic? Possibly. There are so many triggers lurking around, hidden until I stumble onto one and become grief stricken all over again. Tim was here only a moment ago, but he has been gone for 7 years. We don’t wallow in our pain and use it for attention. No, we try to hide it so others won’t feel uncomfortable around us. Imagine that, hiding your pain for someone else’s sake. It’s hard to find an outlet for our hurt, but there are ways to do so.
I drown my sorrow in creating. It started out with painting in oils, then moved to painting in Acrylic. When that no longer satisfied me, I started singing online. It helped for a while. I moved on to making things such as bracelets, necklaces, rings and Trees of life. Now I do all of these things because together, they help keep me together. I made a jean skirt out of old blue jeans. I have been decorating it for months now and still have more to do, it is the hippy in me. It soothes me. I am broken.
It’s easy to get lost on the path we have been given. We did not choose it, it chose us. Suddenly, the whole world is out of wack. Now we deal with health scares of Covid, cancer and the list goes on. I lost my mind once during my first loss. They had to take me away for a while to help me find myself again. If not for a fast thinking husband and those who love me, I would be gone. I would have missed out on all the joy that the world still holds. I always told Tim to hold on, that great things are just around the corner. I did not listen to me and neither did he. I listen now, I listen to my inner self who has more sense then I do alone. If I were to give advice, it would be to listen to your inner self, and hold on, great things are just around the corner and you don’t want to miss them. All my love, (Forever Mom.)