7 years and counting. . .

I have started this article three times, I obviously don't know how to save it properly and as I do not believe in coincidence; third time is the charm. I am suffering horrible in silence, I do not want to rain on anyones Holiday happiness, especially my kids and grandkids. 

 I want Joey home for the Holiday season. it always begins with his birthday, November 13. It goes from there till New Years Day. i have done well so far. I went out of town to celebrate his day of birth. Good idea, I will continue that each year!

I have kept myself busy and am now down to two weeks!! Two weeks to feel as if my emotional self is slipping into a steep slippery hole.

I do believe he would have his own wife and baby by now. Joey loved little kids and wanted one of his very own. I want to shop for that baby and my boy. And of course wife or lady friend. I always knew Joey would find his way into the world of family, his own precious family. I also knew Joey would have a little boy, and he would be the one to help me with the house and such.

I don't know why life didn't work out that way. I always knew my oldest boy would have a boy, and he did; I always knew my middle boy would have a girl, and he did. My daughter will have a girl but not for a couple years. And Joey was to have a baby boy.

My granddaughter, the youngest, told me when she was barely four that she always saw a little boy with me. It made her a bit jealous. I didn't know if it was Joey appearing younger or if it was his wee boy!? I wish so much I knew. She is now over 5 and our culture has taken the ability from her to 'imagine' what she knows!

Back to the world of grief. My minds wanders to survive. I find I talk dramatically more with people, complete strangers, than I use to. It is all survival. I have always been such a quiet introvert. Now I think people can't shut me up. Weird! My Joey was a talker; a Debate star in High School!

Everything I do is all part of my search for my Joey. I write, I read, I talk, I spark conversation, I photograph orbs, and on and on goes my list. Joey wanted me to stay close to the Earth; camp and garden.  I am, each and every day. He wanted me to know I am inherently good and very nurturing, a good mama. I try hard to remember that Joey. 

I want him home for Christmas, doesn't seem like much to ask!? I know he'll be here in Spirit; but I want to hug him, to tell him I love him. I want to tell him again how smart and precious he is, such a great son. I want him home! I Love You Joey. Have a wonderful Holiday season where ever you may be.