The 9th Year

So it begins......2015 is here and I don't think of this any different than the past 8 New Year's. This is already the 9th year without my son Keith here. This is so incredibly distressing to me. How did time move so fast? How did we "survive" 8 whole years of this misery? How do we go on,day after day ,living and working and functioning when such a HUGE piece of our family is missing? 

My son left us at age 20 after a hard fought battle with drug addiction. Just an hour and a half out of his 18th rehab in two years ,he was pronounced dead and our real nightmare began. I already thought I was living my nightmare. I knew more about drug addiction and rehab than I ever thought possible and was brought to my knees time and again. Rehab for myself,my husband and my daughter was a vacation to our psyche. We could relax for a few days and not worry about what may come.Now....I would give anything to be driving Keith to another rehab....It is so confusing to your brain to wish for things you used to hate. Every single place we drive holds a memory,a dropoff point, a milestone. What is the lesson I am being taught? Did I do enough?Too much?? 

Your mind goes over and over and over all of these things everyday ,all day as you slog thru 8 full years of your new life. I think I'm me....but I know I'm not. I see "me" in the mirror and I look like "me" and yet I don't. I have aged so around the eyes and the sadness I see looking back at me breaks my own heart. I don't know what to do. I feel a huge ,huge knot directly in the center of my chest and I am quite sure,if I allowed myself, I would just scream and scream and scream and I might just actually feel it unravel. But,i don't. I just don't know. 

I keep myself very busy so as not to think,but sometimes,days like today when I sit quietly and the knot tightens...I simply can't believe my new life. Truly it gets harder as I understand more and more how very important and wonderful  our family of four is and was to me. That empty chair still shocks me .That bedroom full of priceless memories means the world to me. Can I please find something I haven't seen yet??

It is a lonely world,i believe for a grieving Mom. Oh...i thankfully have a wonderful group that i truly look forward to, but outside of that, we can all agree time moves on,no one writes in the guestbook anymore...old friends are gone ...and unless you have lived it..you just don't understand me/ us. I get that. It took a long time,but I get it now. I am not sure I could have been a good long standing friend THEN for this type of situation. Now? My empathy goes to the extreme sometimes....

As i start my 9th year without my beautiful boy, i realize this is my path. I will walk it because I have to. Some days are easier than others. Some days..much harder. I know he is with me. There will be more challenges for us as a family of three and we will again face them together the best we can. Always thinking of the boy who lit up our world and made us laugh.....