Baby Steps

It will be a year the 31st of this month that I lost the love of my life.  It has been a year of turmoil, grief, pain, changes and growth.  Ray's birthday in July followed by our anniversary 4 days later was my first "special" days without him.  I won't lie, it hurt like hell and I cried.  I bought cards, signed them and wrote my special messages to him and then took them to his grave along with a balloon on which I had written a message.  After reading the card to him, I then released my balloons to the Heavens up to him.  

At home, I have seen signs that Ray is near.  A picture that has been tilted, his scent, and on my very worst days, the chime that has the marbles with his birthstone color will ring loud even when there has been no breeze.  I know he is letting me know that he is near and will always be watching over me.  I saw blue butterflies that I have never seen before in my entire life; hummingbirds reappeared; the 2 doves that I fed turned into a flock; and a covey of quail started coming to eat in late summer/early fall.

The first 6 months, I could not stand being in our home.  I felt as if I was jumping out of my skin from the deep pain of loss.  Over time, I started to spend a little more time in our home.  At this point, I am now very comfortable in our home. (I have a hard time calling it "my" home because it was the home we made made "ours.")  

I had to have some work done in our home and had to use my own judgment on the people I hired.  Some of the work was done by people Ray had told me to use. (a few weeks before he died, he went through our little book of business cards and told me which ones to use and to discard the rest - these were the ones he trusted).  I had to hire a painter.  While interviewing the first one (and only) I could hear Ray telling me, go with this guy.  If he was interviewing someone for a job at the house and got a good feeling, he would not interview anyone else.  

I now believe, that last Christmas, Ray knew he did not have much longer and in his way started to prepare me for when I would be left alone.  For that, I will always be grateful.  I sensed, too, that it might be his last and did everything he asked.  I just kept hoping and praying that it would not be.   This year, the holidays were very hard.  I realized this past week it was because when I am around his brothers and their wives or other couples, I feel so intensely alone.  While they went home with each other, I came home alone and that loneliness is the hardest thing I am having to endure.  I did decorate for the holidays/seasons as I always did when Ray was here, but I bought new decorations because the ones I had, had so many memories attached and when I would go in the box to put them out, it felt my heart was being ripped apart.  However, when I finished decorating this past Monday for January with the snowmen, I was able to put some of the older decorations with the new.  One snowman in particular, lights up and goes down the stitching was one that Ray liked because of the pattern as the lighting changed on it.  I sat down and watched it, and felt Ray was there with me enjoying it.  That is when my healing started.  Today, for the first time since I lost Ray, I got up, fed the cats and dogs, started the laundry and then went back into the library (formerly it was Ray's room) and was able to sit in his recliner and relax and read.  I felt a calmness I have not felt since before Ray's passing.  I know there will still be days of pain ahead.  On the calendar for Jan 31st, I have written, "1 year anniversary that Ray recieved his angel's wings."  

Some of the things that helped me this past year was being able to talk with a friend who is also a widow.  She lost her husband 8 years ago.  She and I have been able to talk about the emotions we go through, the loneliness and we end up having a good time together.  Two other friends who've not gone through this have been great. When they come over to see me, they say hi to Ray when they come in the house. They talk about Ray and are not chased away by my tears.  I thank God for these 3 very special friends.  Then, the other thing that helped me is the new puppy.  Four days before my birthday, I decided to check the local shelter to see if they had a puppy even though I have 8 cats and 3 dogs.  I found one and quickly shut down the computer to drive to the shelter.  I got there 10 minutes before they opened.  When I got in, they brought her out and it was love at first sight. I was able to bring her home that night after she had been fixed.  I named her "Serenity Hope" but just call her "Hope."  I call her Hope because she has brought hope back into my life and has lifted my spirits.  The way everything worked out - I felt Ray & God had had their hands in this.

Without faith, I do not think I would've made it.  I have called on God so many times this past year to help me find the strength to get through the hard days.  I have also thanked Him every day for bringing Ray into my life and giving us the years we had together and I thank Him for allowing Ray to go peacefully as he slept.  I know God answers prayers and I believe in Him with my whole being.  I was asked if I had gotten angry with God for taking Ray.  Without a doubt, I can say no.  We were told Ray had 10-15 years when he was initially diagnosed, we got 19.  I believe God did that.  He gave us those additional years and for that I am grateful.  

At this point, the hardest thing that I see in my future is being without Ray in body.  In spirit, I know he is and will always be with me.  I could not have asked for a better husband.