Can Grief Be Good?

Good grief.

The first time I remember hearing this phrase was from Peanuts’ character Charlie Brown. Another unforeseen trial had come his way. Things hadn’t turned out like he’d expected. He’d been misunderstood again.

“Good grief.”

I used to think “Good Grief” was an oxymoron. Now I know different.

Loss is a part of life:

• Death
• Divorce
• Debilitating health issues
• Job termination
• Friends and family moving away
• Shattered dreams

These things impact us greatly. They hurt, badly. We try to go around them, saying we’re fine and that life goes on.

Yes, life does go on, but our lives have been changed forever. Part of our heart has been torn away. Someone we love is missing, and we can’t seem to wrap our minds and our emotions around this new reality.

Our first instinct may be to run or to hide. Perhaps we want to withdraw and isolate, like an animal when it’s severely wounded. Maybe we’re frightened by the intensity of our feelings. We try to stay busy. We attempt to not think about it, or them, too much. We valiantly say we need to be strong for the so-and-so’s sake.

The nature of grief is that if we try to avoid it, it will follow us. If we attempt to stuff our pain, it will only leak out anyway, usually in ways that are less than healthy. 

Grief can leave us asking, “How do I do this? What do I do with this pain?”

1. Make the healthy, courageous choice to feel it. It hurts. Your loved one has gone on before you, and you can honor them by feeling the ache of their absence. The pain is natural, and real – very real.
2. Let the pain out by expressing it. Write it down. Be honest. As much as possible, express what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it. I’ve found it helpful to speak my thoughts and emotions out loud. For most of us, we’ll feel better about doing this with no one else around, but expressing yourself in front of someone you trust can bring a lot of healing.
3. Assemble a personal grief healing team. Grief recovery is a team effort. None of us grow or heal alone. Your team might be a combo of any of the following: a good friend, a family member, a support group, a pastor, a counselor. Your team needs to be composed of safe people who accept you (and your emotions) and have no agenda other than walking with you through this valley of grief.

Grief hurts. Badly. It’s confusing, frustrating, and even maddening. Yet, it can be good. Good grief can help us heal over time.