For thirty-four years of my life I've never been a secure person.  Always second guessing myself, being afraid to be out in the crowds due to feeling I would be judged, not having the confidence in being in my own skin.  Going out in to the world was a huge task for me to achieve each day.


To be a prisoner trapped in your own body was what I was, the constant fear of never being good enough surrounded my life each as well as every day.  Deep down in me I knew I was good enough yet the lack of confidence always seemed to weigh that down.  Growing up as a teenager in high school noticing maybe my hair wasn't right, my make up wasn't perfect imperfections were always of notice to me.  Being so uncomfortable in your own skin can truly rule your world.


Through out my life I've never took a step back to understand why, to ask myself, why?.  There was always something haunting my thoughts each as well as every day, my hair is not long enough, the colour is ugly, my weight is not where it should be, my eyes are too big, on and on it went.  As a child I never had the special bond with my father as all little girls should have, to this day I resent that, I learn little by little to let this go, yet every now and then I remember the pain it caused, some days still does.


Life was not being lived as it should of been, looking back I can not believe it took so long to finally be free of it all, to finally be out of my own prison where I kept myself prisoner for too long.  Normal every day tasks were the toughest for me.  Constant wondering, "am I dressed OK"?, "will others judge me for what I'm wearing"?, "what I look like"?, do they think to themselves "oh my she is fat"?, all of this felt as though I was stuck in complete darkness.


As a young lady I was always afraid to speak of this, growing to an adult I felt it was up to myself to get over what ever it was I was going through.  Life was just not being truly lived, my life seemed as though it really wasn't a life.


Dating never went over well at all, it is true what they say "you can not love or be loved until you love yourself", unsuccessful relationships made it all that more difficult for the thoughts that forever remained in my mind.  It truly is a dark place not having confidence as well as lack of love for yourself.  To love yourself is truly one of life's greatest gifts as well as blessings.  However looking back I realise this is a part of my life, a lesson I have over com ed, something that I would never change no matter what, it is a part of my history, it is my battle scar to show the world I AM, that I always will be good enough.


Being through all of what I have to of conquered it all only shows me I don't give up, that I am still here, that I have beaten the toughest of battles.  My life is of a significance.  Then came along my husband passed bigger than life love touched my life to open me up, to make me understand that my life is here for a reason.  My loved one passed believed in me like no other, it was his believing in me as well as true love that started me on the path to loving myself.  It is of him I am freed from my own prison.  His love touched my life to show me that in this world I am of importence, that in this life there is never anything I can not do nor be unworthy of.


We have to stop to understand that it is not in the big things that make us important, it is not being a high profiled person that makes what we are.  The love we carry within for ourselves as well as put out in to the world is what makes the biggest of impacts on us as well as others lives, it is the love you give out that gets noticed.  Loving yourself as well as sending it out in to the world is the one blessing in life that will forever get noticed.


Going out in to the world before I could never look a stranger in the eyes, now as I go out in to the world I make sure I look in to as many strangers eyes with a smile as I can.  I go out in to the world feeling the love of my husband passed gave to me, I make sure everyone in my path feels that love. My husband passed had love in him bigger than this world, he always made it part of his days to help anyone, everyone he could.  Looking back I have always wondered why he did so much, now I know why.  I never truly understood, it always frustrated me why he would do so much for others, his love was a gift as well as a lesson to me to show me that this life is all about sending out love, to help others with that love in need.


My husband passed I know in my heart was a true gift to my life, to show me just what I have been missing all my life, to prove to me that my life was meant to be here, he truly saved my life.  Once you are freed of such horrific negativity, insecurity, rock bottom confidence, nothing could ever feel so good to your heart along with your soul.  It is as though nothing but blessings over flow in your life.


To all that read this, your life is of worth, your here for a reason, people see you, take your insecurities put them to rest.  It is in your mind that you can do it, tell yourself "I love me for me, I'm different yet for a reason, to be unique, your life matters, it will always matter".  To untangle yourself from the ropes of insecurity as well as lack of love is freeing yourself from prison.  None of us are here to be in pain, to be freed of it all is a feeling like no other.  The blessings around flow right in to your life, once you truly love you, the world takes notice.


To of known the person I was to who I am now you would of never guessed it.


Finding my husband passed I know now was truly a gift as well as blessing to my life, gifted to me from God to touch my life, to show me just how good enough I am, to truly open my heart along with my eyes to see the beauty all around me.  My husband passed was a way to prove to me I was of worth.  His love proved to myself I could love with out limits, that to use that love out in to the world.


To each as well as every widow out there know in your heart your loved one passed was a gift to your life, a gift to touch your heart to open your eyes to your life along with just how much you can love to no extent. They may not be seen but still remain a blessing to our life.  To feel the deepest, strongest of pain is when our hearts open, our eyes awaken to find the beautifulest of things around us.  Grieving is something we all look to as something that should never be, yet in the grieving we find the greatest of blessings, it is as though our loved ones passed are still there proving to us our life is of worth, that nothing in this life will keep us down.


My life has been tough at many times yet it is not something I would ever change for a second.  Don't ignore the grief allow it to be felt, just know in time you will see all the beauty around you, you will see the light, your smile will return.  My daughter reminds me every day just what love is, that love is what is the most important thing, not to just feel yet to give.


Looking back to the person I was, I smile brightly knowing that no one is better then me, that who I am is good enough, always will be.  There are times I feel the bad feelings haunt me, I stop to remember my husband passed true love, that is my reminder that I will always matter, that in this life there is not anything I can not do.


NOTE TO ALL:  Your loved one passed is a gift to your life, a gift that will always be with you.  When feeling bad remembering their love will give you the strength to make it past all those bad feelings.  Their love is something that will forever be our guidance in our life.  Trust in that love that it will always be the one truest of love that will help you make it through anything you do in your life.


Tonya O

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About the Author
BLOGGER FOR ALL GRIEVING ON THE JOURNEY TO WRITING A BOOK "Spouse to Angels in the City" Widow for 11 months also mother of a beautiful little girl
I'm Grieving, Now What?