Connecting In Cyberspace

Perhaps this piece is redundant, or at the very least an example of “Preaching to the Choir,” because obviously you are online, looking through at least one grief website for help already. But indulge me, because it has been an amazing revelation to me just how useful the internet can be in a grief journey.

      As I write this article, my personal Facebook page is being inundated with posts from friends and family “Like”ing pictures of my son David, who died in 2009 at the age of 10. Today is his 15^th birthday, and as a remembrance I have posted several pictures, changed my profile and cover pictures, posted a chapter from my book, and the video we showed at his memorial after his death. I’m sure there are several of my “friends” who are thinking to themselves, “There he goes again, reminding us all that his son died.” But I don’t post the pictures for these fortunate, ignorant, people who, through good fortune, do not know what dealing with the death of a child is like. I post it for the many others, who either have lost special people themselves, or are open to the idea that grief is not something to be afraid of. Those people, the ones that post loving supportive messages, or simply “like” the posts, are the pillars of strength that social media delivers unlike anything else I have encountered. In regards to tools to help people find their way forward through tragedy, the Internet is unparalleled.

            We see articles all the time (ironically usually reading them online) about how social media is addictive, and how it is breeding a generation of unattached and disaffected young people. There is of course, some truth in these articles, but they only tell one side of the story. For while it may encourage people to stay in front of their keyboards, interacting with people only from the safety of their own little world, it also works in the reverse. It allows those that feel cut-off and alone due to circumstance an opportunity to reach hundreds, even thousands of people suffering similarly crippling sadness, to connect with others.

            When David was ripped from our lives, one of the things I did, much to my wife’s consternation at the time, was announce to my friends on Facebook what had happened. I did not go into detail, but I made the announcement that he had been taken from us, and our world would never be the same. I have apologized to my wife several times for doing this so quickly, but in hindsight, it allowed the people in my life, all over the country, to know what was happening in a quick concise way that required no interaction on my part. It informed those that would want to know, and yet allowed me to remain private and alone with my pain. Within hours, friends and family came to action with anything they felt might help. A fund was started on PayPal in David’s memory, which by the nature of the modern Internet started receiving donations from all over the country in a matter of moments. Friends contacted mutual friends to discuss what they could do to come to our aid. The old adage, “Bad news travels fast” took on an entirely new meaning, making Jimmy John’s “Freakishly Fast Sandwiches” seem like they were being prepared by snails. And though it was the “Bad News” traveling quickly that started the avalanche, it was the immediate rush of aid that truly made a difference.

            Much like when tragedy hits on a large scale in this world, and aid to victims is as simple as texting on your cell phone, bringing comfort and aide to individuals happens just as quickly. But even more important than the immediate rush of support from friends and family, the Internet remains there when the friends and family go back to their lives. When tragedy strikes there is always a rush to help from loved ones, but as anyone who has suffered a loss knows, the hardest days are often the weeks following the memorial services and potluck dinners. It is in these long dark months that true depression and isolation set in. It is in these bleak moments when the Internet once again can be a godsend. This is because right there on your computer, with just a few simple clicks of the keyboard, heartbroken individuals who are starting to feel no one understands can use Google, or Bing or any of the many other search engines to reach out and find a vast community of people who care, understand, and are willing to share their stories and advice on how to survive. These searches return websites like The Grief Toolbox, The Compassionate Friends, The Bereaved Parents of the USA, Hello Grief, Whatsyourgrief.com and so many others that are communities of people who want to help. Fellow grievers, who know the power of sharing their stories, often run these sites because helping others is the road to healing and moving forward themselves. The point is, on these sites grievers learn they are not alone. There is hope to survive, and they can share openly with people who get them and the pain they are traversing.

            And the Internet is a great resource if you come to the point where you want to give back yourself and help others. I used GOFUNDME.COM, a crowd-funding site, to initially fund my nonprofit Healing Improv. Through the generous donations of friends and family all over the country, I was able to get our workshops for people struggling with grief started. And now my site reaches hundreds of others who are grieving. I also was able write of my experiences in a blog and to publish a book using online sources. Today I am selling that book to those in need worldwide through Amazon.com. I have used my computer to connect with other groups helping those grieving and expand my reach to many of the larger organizations, spreading my message of love, hope and laughter to thousands.

            If you are just now discovering the world of support online, or know someone who is alone and alienated from the world due to grief, share this message, “The internet can help.” It’s not a replacement for therapy or other traditional means of support, because nothing can replace a real human hug, but it’s a start and a gateway to the road ahead. A journey begins with one step, and today that step can be as simple as a few clicks of the keyboard.

Peace, Light, and Laughter. - Bart