A Deceased Child's Yearly Birthday Celebration
Would you talk about the death of a child?
Would you talk about the birthday of a deceased child?
Would you feel uncomfortable doing so or does that thought create a rock of fear in your throat?
Responses:
You might respond, why WOULD anyone talk about a child who no longer has a physical presence with us? Why WOULD we talk about a non-person?
Why would we KEEP talking about that non-presence?
Bereaved Parent Response:
Now, I know how bereaved parents would answer these questions and I know you would start this conversation by listing the number of reasons why you would say yes based on the pain of your experience. I certainly understand your response and your perspective.
But, from someone who has not experienced the death of a child, their perspective will not only be different but their frame of reference would not allow them to fully grasp those reasons. So I would like to share the truth that I have come to know and trust in my grief journey since my son's death.
My Response:
Our life cannot be demonstrated as a continuum beginning with life and ending with death but this physical existence begins with birth and ends with death. The whole of us is LIFE which includes before and after this physical existence.
Many religions discuss and believe in the presumption, the gift, the judgment or the promise of eternal life in terms of doctrine and biblical stories and quotes rather than spiritual beliefs. Many discuss eternal life or life everlasting in opposition or in contrast to "death" which is the result of sin. So at this point in religion we discuss "who" is accepted (into eternal life) but not what they do once they get "there" and "what is" eternal life?
Eternal life can be someone's established belief or their truth, but the discussion stops there. So, what does that mean if we don't acknowledge those who have entered that stage of their existence? (eternal life) How is it explained?
Many people, even those who believe that there is "something" after this life (as opposed to the belief that death is final and we cease to exist into nothingness) find the subject of eternal life difficult to discuss. It requires moving your heart (not your brain) to explore the spiritual part of you. Uncomfortableness and fear often hinder this process.
Walking The Grief Journey
Because the death of a child is such a devastating experience, it shatters the entirety of the being including your spirituality and beliefs. Death causes you to confront your spiritual/religious questions in order to attempt to reassemble all the shattered pieces. Reconnecting those pieces through your spiritual self heals by offering you a different perspective of life and acknowledging/accepting choices for accepting a new meaning of life.
Accepting life from a higher perspective allows you to explore and trust in the mystery of life beginning at birth through the transition at death rather than an ending at death. You then realize that nothing has actually changed (except us who changed in the grieving process as we developed and began to live a new reality just as they too, changed realities!) They changed form and we changed in our acceptance of that reality.
We are challenged to move beyond our physical being to discover our true Self. It is here that we can release old fearful and life limiting beliefs about life, living, death and mourning.
Still Celebrating Their Birthdays?
When you recognize(through your acceptance process) that your child, your loved one did not die, that they are not gone, they have only changed forms, then you will be able to establish and maintain that new relationship (your continuing connection with them.
So, with me, it is not a question as to whether I continue to celebrate his birthday after his death. It is my first question to look at my heart, seek my truth and I know my answer.
Of course I will continue to celebrate his life as he.. continues.. to.. live. Why would I not celebrate that? Birthdays celebrate the birth of a loved one. He has changed forms not the fact that he lived here, in the physical at one time. He may not age but the celebration is for the life not the number of years.
This is not an experience that someone who has not grieved the death of their child would understand, (empathize with, yes, but not understand the overall dichotomies of the situation) but this is my truth.
Each of us is here to live our life, to learn our lessons, to accept and live the love in our heart. Accepting other's inability to understand the mystery of my life is a part of that learning to love in the heart and to live your life from a perspective of love.
There is no question in my mind about continuing to celebrate my child's birthday because my heart says: "of course" because I'm living my mystery not anyone else's!
I shall not begrudge anyone else's mystery or lack of understanding of mine because as Ram Dass said,"We are all just walking each other home."
And I'm still loving this walk with Zac and especially acknowledging him on his birthday! Happy Birthday Kid!
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