Fearing the Future After Loss

By: Dora Carpenter

When your planned future is no longer your reality and the fear of your new reality is starring you in the face, what do you do? When plans of growing old together are no longer. When plans to bring home that baby in the newly decorated room are no longer. When plans for that celebration dinner are no longer. When plans to decorate the new townhome are no longer. When plans to co-partner the new business are no longer. When plans for the graduation and college-bound party are no longer. When plans to build the retirement lake home are no longer. When plans for the dream vacation are no longer.

Fear of the future is facing you head on with no answers, direction, guidance, or alternatives. So, what do you do? You can't make it go away. You can't stop wondering why. You can't pretend it isn't happening. You might even go into denial for a short period of time. But then, you realize that life is continuing on while you are still stuck.

Here are three tips that I use for my grief coaching clients, and have used myself, when the death of a loved one has interrupted life and one fears their future.

1. Give yourself quiet time. Although meaning well, others really don't know what to say or what not to say to a grieving individual. Only you can know what you are feeling and how your future plans have been shattered. One of my favorite exercises is the "Cry Party." Just as you would any other appointment, schedule quiet time for a cry party. If you are a spontaneous person, or if a grief burst hits, you can do this at that time. Do what works best for you. Find something that relaxes you (your favorite song, your loved one's favorite song, a favorite item or keepsake of your loved one, a scented candle, etc.). Take that item with you to a comfortable and quiet space and cry. Tears are cleansing and healing. Give yourself a time limit for this exercise so that you don't stay too long as you don't want the exercise to become counterproductive.

1. Accept that your future has changed. Yes, this is easier said than done and there are steps to get to the place of acceptance; however, when you accept that your life will never be the same again, you can begin to plan you new life going forward. Fear will be reduced as you accept that this new life can be meaningful and you can find peace, purpose, and joy in it all.

1. Seek your purpose in life going forward. You have two choices in this one. As you work through the grief process, continue on your path to fulfill the purpose you had before the loss; or, use the experience of loss to find meaning and purpose in life going forward.

Fear is normal and everyone experiences it at some point in life. Grief can bring on intense fear because it is compounded with other emotions of grief such as anger, guilt, shock, pain, regret, loneliness, etc. I encourage you to strive to move from grief to gratitude and live your life for the rest of your life.

Dora Carpenter is a certified life coach, grief coach, and founder of The ANIYA Group Life Coaching Center. She is also among the select trainers from all over the world who have been hand-picked and licensed by best-selling author and motivational speaker, Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. to teach Feel the Fear... and Do It Anyway® workshops.

For more information on the September 20, 2013 Feel the Fear Workshop in Washington, D.C., visit http://www.theaniyagroup.com/Feel-the-Fear-Workshop.html.