Feeling the Pain...

My new mantra is to stop denying, suppressing, ignoring emotions. There are so many people that walk through life not knowing how they feel. Where did the feeling part of oneself become lost? Ask a young child and they will tell you what they feel and why. This is true especially in grief, it’s really important to feel. I have spoken to so many grieving parents since Rehtaeh left us and the grief journey is individual yet similar. I have lost close members of my family and the grief is deep but it’s very different than losing my child. I have heard from parents “I cant go there, I can’t feel those painful emotions because I will fall apart.” If I fall apart, then I will no longer function. Yes, I have felt that too and that if the flood gates open I wont be able to close the gate then what?

Try it! Open the gates and you will be amazed that you can and will be able to open them, feel that intensity then close them again. I know because I have done this and the brain is amazing, your strength is amazing. I have go so far as to give myself a time limit, just to experiment to see if I could open up the pain, feel it in all its glory, then pull myself together. I have sat surrounded by Rehtaehs clothes, her art on her bedroom walls, and poured through her writings, her drawings and her school work. I have sat there and my heart ripped into pieces. I have felt rage. I have felt sorrow. I have felt injustice but I have felt. Feel it!

Denying your pain only leads to more dysfunction down the road. Keeping emotions bottled up have with no place to go except within is never a good thing. Your body will manifest what you are denying. It’s bad enough that emotional pain does play out in your physical body even when acknowledged but it would be even worse if there was no outlet for the pain. Child loss is debilitating and as time goes on the loss is felt even more because the numbness and shock wear off. Time reminds us of how much we miss them, how long it’s been since we were able to talk to them. I picture my daughter’s smile every day because I need that to stay fresh in my mind. We all process pain differently but the worst thing to do is deny that pain.

Another common element that I have seen in grieving parents is guilt. I have been there too and I think when a person we love dies by suicide its natural to feel guilt. I really don’t think guilt is a place to stay for long. What does it serve? The reality is that you loved that person with all your heart and if you could help you would have. Maybe you helped as much as you could. Maybe you didn’t help at all because you were not aware. How can that be your fault? I feel that I helped Rehtaeh in many many ways but the obstacles and pain were so great. I always wish she would have held on and in time, with maturity it would be so different. Life is not your teenage years. Your teenage years are just stepping stones to who you will become. Teenagers often live in the moment and cannot envision a better future. I have let go of the guilt once I processed it. Guilt keeps us stuck.

Letting go of the “what ifs” does not mean you are letting go of the person. You carry them with you always. The pain is going to be there. I know the pain will be carried within my heart, just under the surface but each day I ask myself “How are you feeling?” I then sit and feel that, then proceed with my day by honouring her memory in some way next I look for something positive. Right now as I write this I hear the birds chirping and I smile. It may seem small and significant but I can no longer compare who I was and what I was able to do before losing Rehtaeh to who I am now. They are not the same people. I have had to say goodbye to that person and get to know the new me. Acceptance is the only way to recovery.