IN The Fifth Year

I am now in my 5th year. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you that the pain of death goes away some, but I can't. Those who are here with me know this also. Yesterday, I had a total and complete fall. Looking back today, I realized that I have been holding that pain and sorrow in a tight ball that was held close to my broken heart. The two, beating together without anywhere to release that pain caused more hurt and sorrow then it should have. Today, I am exhausted and sad. I still want to scream and bring the heavens down. Even in our pain, we can believe some weird things such as if we cry and scream and beat our hands against the walls, someone up there somewhere has to hear us and do something right now. Nothing beyond us ever happens and we are still where we were when it started.

I have a picture that I see every day. My daughter and son are sitting on a couch, she is smiling at him as he grins at the camera. They must be somewhere in their middle to early 20's. I look at them and I know that she cries for the brother she lost just as much as I cry for the who is gone. I never see her or my husband's sadness. Either they hide it from me or I am too blinded by my own sorry to see. If they are hiding it, they are not doing me any favors. It makes me feel like I am the only one left who cares. I have seen my husband cry when he thinks I cannot see. I don't go to him because I feel that if he wanted me to be a part of that he would come to me. It is a mixed up, screwed up world we live in now. We want to hide what we should be sharing. It destroys some homes.

It does not feel like the fifth year, no, it feels more like the first moment. I will never get over walking into Tim's room and finding him sitting up and dead. I still see his blue lips and knowing in a moment that he was gone. His hands lay peacefully in his lap and life changed for us all. Keith had to drag me out of that room but I wanted to stay, I wanted to touch my son one more time, to tell him how much I loved him and always would, no matter what. I wanted someone to bring him back to me but no one would, no one could. Tomorrow, it may seem like he has been gone a lifetime, my lifetime. The cycle starts all over again. The quiet, okay, days. These days can last for weeks before the hitch in the path throws you to the ground. We all know how it goes from here. I have a friend who lost twin daughters from cancer and I have no Idea where he is or how he makes it past the hitch in the road or if he ever did. God is not kind.

They keep me on some pretty heavy meds now. I thought I could do it on my own without any help. Turns out, none of us can do that. We all need help in one way or another. I urge you, with love and care, to get the help you need, you can't do it alone. I do not know what will help you, only you can know that. I almost died the day my husband and daughter saved my life. The unfairness of making your loved ones go through what you are going through is selfish now that you know what it is like. Save yourself and save them. Have your bad days and then walk on. You are not the person you once were, and if you don't know who you are, go out and find yourself. I feel the loss of my son every day as you feel the loss of your own. It will always be there. Find the direction you might think they would want you to go. All my Love, "Forever Mom."