FINDING WHAT WORKS

My loving husband Howard has been gone five months. How can it already be five months? Yet sometimes it feels like 5 years. It's been a long time since I looked in to his beautiful blue eyes. Seems like forever since I held him close, smelled his after shave that I miss so much, and slept in his embrace. Since I have heard his voice say "Good morning, I love you!" One day just blends right in to the next, and time just goes by. I look for him everywhere, but he's not there. I miss his cute little Oivo and Toivo jokes that he always used to tell.  I miss that smile that he would send me, when I would be anxious or worried about something. And then he would say, "God's got it". I miss having his faith in God surround us, keeping us safe. He did not falter, he did not give in, not even to the cancer.He might not be here with me, but he will tell you he still won, because he is with his Lord. His last day he was whispering so softly, and we didn't know what he was saying. I believe with all my heart he was already talking to God.

I am facing all of my tomorrows without him. All the sunrises, all the sunsets, and everything in between. My heart aches, and my soul cries, and I haven't found a way to stop either one. This summer there will be no camping trips, no long walks down the beach holding his hand, no snuggling in front of the campfire. Life is not the same any more, and it never will be again. Things that were so important before are not anymore, other things have taken their place.

Everybody's path of grief is different, what works for one might not work for another. I have to find my path, what it is that is going to help me get to tomorrow. Writing seems to be a help, getting things out and on paper. So I write. Not nessesarily poems like I used to, just writing. Howard loved flowers, of every kind. He always said if a plant didn't get flowers, it was just a weed. So I photograph flowers, any where I find them. He loved cutting and splitting firewood, that was one of his favorite things. So I put on his coat, and go out and split firewood. The smell of the fresh cut wood makes him seem closer.

I spend every minute of every day thinking of him, wishing he was still here, missing him. It's not all tears, some memories really make me smile.