First Moment

When we lose those we love, we come to realize how precious each day is. We know now that life can end in a moment. There are days that we truly wish it would end because the pain is all too real. That day, it is the first moment day. The first moment we realize they are gone pain. Even after 4 1/2 years, I still have those day. The pain is so intense I wonder how I am still standing. I wonder how no one sees the waves of sorrow pouring from my body. How can they not feel it?

You almost explode on that day. Nothing matters or makes sense. You need to go with it. No matter how hard that is to do, let it out. Cry, scream, run, create,whatever works for you. Don't hold it in, it will only be worse if you do. I know this pain and sorrow only too well. I live it everyday, every moment. I have become slowly housebound. Every where I go, I see my son. We have lived in the area forever, so there is hardly anywhere that he had not been. It is hard to be here at home sometimes because this is where he came to die.

The night I found him dead will be forever burned in my mind. His lips were already blue, yet, he looked so peaceful. I wanted to wake him up, to look at me and say what he had the night before, "I love you, mom." I started to reach out to touch him, to wake him while I screamed his name, over and over. My husband stopped me from touching him, he did not want me to have the memory of his cold skin. He drug me from the room not letting me back in until the police came to guard the room for the coroner. I remember that night too well and the days to come.

With all that, I learned to push the images to the back of my mind but on those days, those horrible, first moment days, it's all there. The days do not come as often as they did,but I know that if I hit a trigger, it will come bursting out. Triggers!!! A word, a look, something on TV. There are many things that can trigger your moment. We learn about these triggers pretty fast and try to avoid them. That's what we do. There are a lot of things we learn when our child dies and most of it is not pretty. That is part of why we have changed and are no longer the person we were. It is not caused only by the death of our child, it is also the people we knew, or thought we knew. Oh how painful it all was.

Ah yes, the people you knew. Most of them will be gone. It's like they are afraid that your child's death is catching. They figure that they will come back when you are yourself again and have gotten over your loss. They want you to be who you once were, they don't understand how you could still be grieving. You are a new person forged by fire, put back together, piece by piece with some pieces missing. You now have triggers, PTSD and you see people for who they are. It's a shock to realize that some family and friends could be so harsh and cold hearted. By then, they no longer have a place in your life. That moment made you and only those who stayed grew with who you became.

PTSD!!! It is not only for soldiers, although I believe theirs are worse. Regardless, we get it when we find our child dead. Loud noises, sudden movements of others. The list goes on. In time, the PTSD becomes less, but I think it is a lifetime thing. I still start at sudden loud noises. My friend was in a bank robbery and it caused PTSD. It messed her up so bad and nobody gets that. So it is not just the loss of a loved one that can cause it. We battle that with the depression, the triggers, the sorrow. Yeah, we have been forged in the fire in more ways then one. Now it is up to you to become the person you want to be. You are brand new.

As you pick up the pieces of your life, you will find some pieces missing. Those went with the one you love. Your heart is broke, but you mend what you can. You either end it all or you learn to live with it. It can be done, but it's up to you to do it. I decided to end it all. To live without my son was just plain unthinkable, unimaginable, too painful. I could not function, could not quit crying, could not live. My husband and daughter saved me. If not for those two, it would have been so easy. They saw the signs of what was coming, which surprised me as I thought I hide them so well. I hope there is someone with you that sees the signs.

I started painting on canvases, trying to create beauty in the world again. They are not that good, but they were good therapy. I went from that to online Karaoke and making jewelry and Trees of Life and I think they are good and it helps so much when that moment hits me. Sometimes, I sit by a river or lake, or in the forest and I hear and see the beauty that was not created by man. It soothes the sorrow for a while. Find something to fill the void for a little while until you get past that moment. Learn to laugh again, it's okay to do that. Do the things you want to do, not the things others want or expect of you. Learn to live again. With love and compassion, "Forever Mom."